It's difficult to imagine how Eric Swalwell, the man who would be California's governor, could possibly humiliate himself further than he already has.
In the past week alone, the Congressman has face planted in a Congressional hearing with ICE director Todd Lyons AND found himself named in the Epstein files he demanded be released.
His public flatulence and sordid history with a Chinese spy are beginning to become the least embarrassing things about him.
But since the left has no bottom floor, this week, we learned three words about Swalwell that might surpass all of his other disgraces:
Secret. Erotic. Poetry.
Oh, Twitchy readers, we only WISH we were joking about this one.
CA governor candidate Eric Swalwell’s secret erotic poetry is uncovered: ‘Kissing till veins exploded’ https://t.co/FPALsSVNGU pic.twitter.com/iPtfBWvzOx
— New York Post (@nypost) February 16, 2026
For full disclosure, we acknowledge that this 'poetry' was written when Swalwell was in college. Most of us do some pretty dumb things in college, but the verses of Swalwell's youthful balladry are so chock full of cringe, they make even Jamaal Bowman's 'slam poetry' about 9/11 seem Pulitzer worthy.
The poem, titled 'Hungover From Burgundy,' describes two partners meeting atop a hotel before having 'formless and magnificent' sex in a 'flurry of limbs and nails,' with the narrator appearing to relish being bitten.
'While I screamed / She bent her lips to mine,' the passage reads, adding the pair kept kissing 'till veins imploded and exploded … For bounded mouths cannot speak of parting.'
'And there beauty was, formless and magnificent — a flurry of limbs and nails. She chased and I ran, I chased and she ran,' Swalwell wrote in the poem.
'In the morning, I awoke beside beauty’s shadow — her form sloppy and her legs pale. My scar lost, my lips cracked and dry. And we groaned simultaneously.'
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Trust us, Congressman. You and your mysterious lover aren't the only ones groaning.
We could go on with more from this poem, but we think everyone has suffered enough just reading that excerpt.
Is it any wonder that China targeted this man for a honeytrap?
Trump should issue an executive order to have him arrested for Crimes Against Poetry...
— Oscar Von Reuenthal (@OscarVReuenthal) February 16, 2026
People have been sent to CECOT for lesser crimes than what Swalwell committed.
The congressman tried to defend his poetry by laughing it off, but that only made things worse.
You think my poetry at 19 was bad? Wait til you see my 12-yr old diary. https://t.co/p2Z1j684aO
— Rep. Eric Swalwell (@RepSwalwell) February 16, 2026
Uhh, no thank you. And that's really weird.
Seriously?
— Safing Sector (@Gplavallee72) February 16, 2026
Eww... pic.twitter.com/1a36t7eRg7
Needless to say, the dragging Swalwell received in X last night was nothing short of epic.
https://t.co/rV10TPQSE0 pic.twitter.com/iw5ya2MsYK
— Fusilli Spock (@awstar11) February 16, 2026
He provides more cringe than the entire world would ever need.
Roses are red
— jimtreacher.substack.com (@jtLOL) February 16, 2026
So is my wang
Now all I need
Is a little Fang Fang https://t.co/8xA9dqZcjh
Several others offered up tribute poems to Swalwell.
#SwalwellPoetry
— Rusty Shackelford (@rshackelford14) February 16, 2026
Here I sit, brokenhearted,
I came to talk but famously farted.. pic.twitter.com/ULx8qaTzbu
“Underneath the Pinot Tree” a poem of passion by E Swalwell
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) February 16, 2026
I met a she,
Who was a he,
Underneath the Pinot tree.
We felt the swell of our bowels all loaded,
And collapsed in ecstasy as they exploded. #SwalwellPoetry
Most, however, just wanted the pain to stop.
https://t.co/JjtpwYYOug pic.twitter.com/RJLkYdoQHT
— Deebs (@DeebsFLA) February 16, 2026
https://t.co/hZwuN48haN pic.twitter.com/YEKYux2EXs
— G (@stevensongs) February 16, 2026
It's true. Seeing Swalwell's 'poetry' made us want to go full Oedipus on our eyes.
— Blue State Snooze (@BlueSnoozeBlue) February 16, 2026
Swalwell's verses made us jealous of people who have had the pleasure of listening to Vogon poetry.
https://t.co/sodiP0jPXC pic.twitter.com/szl9dqaTTh
— Marcus Mallomar Gaddafi Payne (@MarcusDAurelius) February 16, 2026
Me and my mutual listening to Swalwell poetry in the reeducation camp https://t.co/WGf5pMFpFY pic.twitter.com/X3MdhQ0ceG
— Barley & Beans (@BarleyAndBeans) February 17, 2026
Where is the International Criminal Court when you need it to level charges of crimes against humanity?
Every day I log on here and learn something I wish I could immediately unlearn.
— Erin Maguire (@Erinmaguire) February 16, 2026
Today: Eric Swalwell’s creepy erotic poetry. https://t.co/awInGhqNWe
To quote Joaquin Phoenix in the (very disturbing) movie 8MM, 'There are things you will see, and you can't unsee them.'
— Dan 🇺🇸 (@danieltobin) February 16, 2026
— Veterans for Liberty (@Vets4AP) February 16, 2026
We can't blame anyone who decided to toss their phone off a cliff after reading poet laureate Swalwell.
https://t.co/YIWE0iK80a pic.twitter.com/gthqhQNAcK
— KC O’Dea Program (@KCOnTheRadio) February 16, 2026
Don't do this to us, man pic.twitter.com/xKVk1KelAb
— Sour Patch Mom ن (@sourpatchlyds) February 16, 2026
We are sorry. Sincerely. But everyone knows the rules.
As for Swalwell's defense of 'just being young,' that's not going to fly either.
Swalwell wrote this when he was 19 so its informative inasmuch as it confirms that he’s always been a creepy freak, it isn’t a relatively recent development https://t.co/lmBI8BqnRN
— Enguerrand VII de Coucy (@ingelramdecoucy) February 16, 2026
No, it is not.
And, to prove the point, the New York Post article goes on to include some other things that were revealed about Swalwell's college days. For instance, he was a vocal defender of convicted cop killers Mumia Abu-Jamal and Leonard Peltier.
We may all do dumb things in college, but most of us don't go to the mattresses for horrible, violent criminals.
https://t.co/aSpBUWL1Qa pic.twitter.com/MqP87vOokm
— Steve Soukup (@ThePolForum) February 16, 2026
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
We're almost afraid to ask how Eric Swalwell could sink any lower than this.
Because we're sure he'll try to meet the challenge.
And, knowing him, he'll probably manage to do that before the week is out.
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