In case you haven't heard the news, there's allegedly going to be a Presidential debate this coming Thursday. In the red corner will be Republican nominee Donald J. Trump. And in the blue corner will be ...
... hang on. Where did Joe Biden wander off to? Someone get 'Doctor' Jill to go grab him, OK? He's behind the stage sniffing the curtains.
But seriously, folks, the upcoming debate should be quite a humdinger. [And in case you haven't heard, Twitchy will be live blogging the proceedings. Stay tuned for more details this week.]
This morning, Twitchy reported several stories about CNN's Kasie Hunt who laughably tried to run cover for debate moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, then made it worse by tweeting about CNN's 'integrity.' Hunt got the Twitchy trifecta in a single day when she was reminded how she cheered the news story about Senator Rand Paul being attacked by his neighbor.
But no matter how much the CNN moderators try to put their thumbs on the scale for Biden, and they will -- not to mention their whole hands, feet, and heck just go ahead and sit right on that scale -- the debate will still come down to the performances of the two candidates.
Accordingly, earlier today, 'principled conservative' Bill Kristol decided this would be a great time to provide some debate tips for ... Biden.
Debate advice for Joe Biden
— Bill Kristol (@BillKristol) June 23, 2024
1. Make it about the American people.
Speak directly to the voters. Ignore Trump. Don’t address him directly.
2. Make it about the future.
Contrast your opponent’s extreme plans with your common-sense agenda. Make it Project 2025 vs. Project U.S.A.
Pardon our cringe. Could you speak in any more generic pablum, Mr. Kristol?
But we'll give him credit. At least his advice didn't include asking Biden to announce starting a new war somewhere. That type of thing always gets Kristol all hot and bothered.
But the news got even better for Biden. It turns out, Kristol wasn't the only one with some outstanding debate tips. Twitter saw his tweet and helpfully jumped into the fray with a new hashtag: #DebateAdvice4Joe.
It all started with our friend The Morning Spew, who excels at creating hilarious hashtag games.
#DebateAdvice4Joe Be sure to drink your Ovaltine https://t.co/iua80GRjcq
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) June 24, 2024
We appreciate her offering that advice in plain English, so Biden didn't have to lock himself in the bathroom to decode it.
— minion a go go (@ougrad2001) June 24, 2024
Just don't give Biden an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. He'll definitely shoot his eye out.
Spew followed up with a few more words of wisdom before others jumped into the game.
Don’t forget your sunglasses #DebateAdvice4Joe
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) June 24, 2024
You can't be 'Dark Brandon' without the Aviators.
Don’t forget to smile #DebateAdvice4Joe pic.twitter.com/7bQHThkpTn
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) June 24, 2024
That's ... a smile? We guess? Who knows with Biden's face?
Ask Jill to wear her stethoscope. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) June 24, 2024
Jill will be standing by with her hypodermic needle, that's for sure.
Do not mention “racial jungles.” #DebateAdvice4Joe
— TheMorningSpew2 (@TheMorningSpew2) June 24, 2024
OOF. He probably should avoid telling any stories about going into the 7-11 as well.
Now that the game had kicked off, others cheerfully joined the conversation to give Biden all the help they could.
#DebateAdvice4Joe Refuse the meds the doctor wants to inject you with, be your true self. https://t.co/2FjMMIRFcq
— Outlaw Voter (@MaineRed2020) June 24, 2024
Even if his 'true self' is an incoherent zombie, this is still good advice.
Try to not let the camera see your earpiece. Or your inflated shoes. #DebateAdvice4Joe https://t.co/vSCX2jvT6c
— Outlaw Voter (@MaineRed2020) June 24, 2024
If Biden goes through the whole debate with just one side of his face turned to the cameras, we'll all know why.
Don't say anything that doesn't come from the earpiece. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— ʞɹıɯ𝕊 (@FoundersGirl) June 24, 2024
If you get lost just start chanting, "let's go Brandon " #DebateAdvice4Joe
— ʞɹıɯ𝕊 (@FoundersGirl) June 24, 2024
Best Presidential chant in history, Jack.
The diaper jokes then came fast and furious, just like ... well, we'll leave it at that.
#DebateAdvice4Joe Be sure to put on fresh Depends at the break.
— Mike (@BadKarma5555) June 24, 2024
Make sure Jill carries an extra pair of Depends in her purse. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— Nancy Anne (@nancyanne331) June 24, 2024
#DebateAdvice4Joe
— Kristi (@TheyCallMeNans) June 24, 2024
Make sure you wear a clean diaper.
#DebateAdvice4Joe
— Shaughn_A (@Shaughn_A2) June 24, 2024
You might want to be double strapped the your pampers for this one. pic.twitter.com/snikbGeFkc
LOL. Also, EEEEW, dude. How about a trigger warning before giving us that mental image?
When the words aren’t coming to you right away, squeeze the bulb for a a boost of juice #DebateAdvice4Joe
— DaveMedia_INK (@DaveMedia_LNK) June 24, 2024
Biden has been cloistered away at Camp David all week for 'debate prep,' which is a euphemism for his medical team trying to find the right cocktail that will keep him on his feet for a couple of hours.
Try not to be obvious about subjects that bore you
— #Nats Fan Carla (@LibertyBelleCJL) June 24, 2024
#DebateAdvice4Joe pic.twitter.com/BemrrH0Zty
OUCH. That moment in 2021 was when it all started going downhill for Biden. His poll numbers have never recovered from Afghanistan. Nor should they have.
#DebateAdvice4Joe
— Andrew Young - TANSTAAFL Curmudgeon (@NucMM1retired) June 24, 2024
Don’t ask to sniff the moderators’ children.
Or, the moderators themselves for that matter. At least one of the moderators.
#DebateAdvice4Joe
— Andrew Young - TANSTAAFL Curmudgeon (@NucMM1retired) June 24, 2024
Don’t have Dana Bash sit in your lap so you can sniff her hair.
If Biden gets too close ... RUN, DANA.
When you forget what the moderator asked you, just shout: "Come On Man!" #DebateAdvice4Joe
— Mike (@BadKarma5555) June 24, 2024
Or he could just yell out, 'That's a bunch of malarkey.'
On second thought, maybe Biden should avoid that word altogether.
Malarkey is not a NATO ally #DebateAdvice4Joe
— WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot (@aleykhat_tx) June 24, 2024
HAHAHAHAHA. Turkey, Malarkey ... whatever, man. It's, you know, the 'thing.'
#DebateAdvice4Joe
— NavyTim (@ChiefNavyTim) June 24, 2024
Don't mention cannibalism
LOL. Yes, Uncle Bosey should be strictly off-limits. Just like Corn Pop. And growing up in a black, Jewish, Puerto Rican, Irish, gay neighborhood in Scranton.
A lie is always more believable if you’re yelling. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— WinstonSmith (@BackporchBobcat) June 24, 2024
The angry shouting is always entertaining. But avoid the whispering because that is just CREEPY.
If you can’t remember the question they fed you, scan the room for Candy Crowley #DebateAdvice4Joe
— #Nats Fan Carla (@LibertyBelleCJL) June 24, 2024
Crowley will be in the back, holding up cue cards.
Don't say to @jaketapper "that's not the question you gave me to study" #DebateAdvice4Joe https://t.co/OdRzLwh5yi
— Outlaw Voter (@MaineRed2020) June 24, 2024
They have to at least PRETEND the moderators aren't completely on one side, after all.
Mumble a few new words to confuse your opponent. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— Vilified Ostracized (@brakinggnus) June 24, 2024
'Truiminashabadazinpur' was always one of our favorites.
If the floor arrows are missing, call Barack for assistance#DebateAdvice4Joe
— #Nats Fan Carla (@LibertyBelleCJL) June 24, 2024
Hey. You stop it with those 'cheap fakes.'
Just show up. #DebateAdvice4Joe
— Kristi (@TheyCallMeNans) June 24, 2024
All kidding aside, this really is probably the most sound advice. The media has set the bar so low for Biden that if he just shows up and manages not to fall down, pass out, or shake hands with any ghosts for a couple of hours, they will all declare him the winner and swoon at his masterful performance.
None of that will likely be true, but that never stopped them from spinning a narrative.
The hashtag game is still going on though, so if you have any helpful tips, feel free to pop on over to Twitter and offer your #DebateAdvice4Joe. If nothing else, it will make Bill Kristol look ridiculous, which is always right and fun.
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