Heterosexual men of Twitter, we come to you this morning bearing tragic news.
The object of our undying affection, devotion, and impure thoughts -- our Venus in a clamshell if you will -- has declared that she will no longer be having sexual relations with any men in retaliation for Donald Trump being elected President.
Are we referring to Charlize Theron? Scarlett Johansson? Margot Robbie? No, this is far worse. The latest woman to join the 4B Sisterhood and declare herself off-limits to any man is none other than ... Whoopi Goldberg.
[record scratches]
Wait, what?
Yes, it's true. Darling Whoopi has called no joy, fellas.
Of course, Goldberg is not just THE sex symbol for the 21st century because of her Jabba the Hutt-like physique and countenance, she is also a deep repository of intellectual thought, like saying Pete Hegseth is a 'weekend talk show host' and that Trump is going to 'break up interracial marriages.'
And now she's closed for business.
Whoopi Goldberg threatens to join liberal women going on sex strike, after Trumps win.
— Oli London (@OliLondonTV) November 14, 2024
“If we don’t let you, you don’t get any. It’s that simple.”
pic.twitter.com/JM6TkJPc4C
The sound you just heard was male libidos across America (and Ted Danson) breathing a sigh of relief.
She was having sex? With men? https://t.co/BUY1f727QY
— J.R. Holmsted (@JHolmsted) November 14, 2024
We were unable to locate or confirm answers to either of those questions because, frankly, we didn't want to look.
"Oh no! Are you telling me 70 year old Whoopi Goldberg is off the table sexually? OK, Trump has to go. The sooner, the better" said no conservative man in America.
— John Hawkins (@johnhawkinsrwn) November 14, 2024
Win/Win. https://t.co/UjZpke3213
— Texas Darlin' 🎀 (@TexitDarling) November 14, 2024
Trump isn't even sworn in yet and already, it's morning in America again.
I can't for the life of me grasp how they believe that this is somehow going to hurt Trump voters...
— Old Mechanic 🩸🇺🇸 (@OldMechanic2) November 14, 2024
We're sitting here wondering if we could go ahead and vote for Trump again.
Whoopi wasn't alone either. Another feminist icon of the left announced that she would be joining the movement.
🔥MARK CUBAN JOINS WHOOPIE !! pic.twitter.com/OQofru7iir
— Steven Miller, MD, PhD (@SageListener) November 14, 2024
HAHAHAHA. Where are Mark Cuban's Rachel Maddow glasses?
Oh no! Not Whoopi too!!! 😳 pic.twitter.com/IC6EMH3ENe
— R Lee (@RLee19783678) November 15, 2024
Sad but true. And we can't even try to change her stance with the Jedi mind trick.
Only one person could be upset about this & I'm not sure it went that far. pic.twitter.com/rvOFazFd6B
— ʞɹıɯ𝕊 (@FoundersGirl) November 15, 2024
Patrick Swayze was once told that there might be a sequel to Ghost with another sex scene and he took the easy way out.
Us men would rather slam our privates in a locked truck door with the keys inside. Thanks
— Patriot Ordnance (@TeaPtyTerrorist) November 14, 2024
Ouch! But also ... yes.
Oh no!
— Not Simo Häyhä (@h2av8tor) November 14, 2024
The income of male escorts is going to take a hit... https://t.co/AAgNyOomgr
We keep winning, and this one is a HUGE win! 😂 https://t.co/nTOxamKDLC
— Raylan Givens (@JewishWarrior13) November 14, 2024
As the saying goes, 'And nothing of value was lost.'
Hardest hit:
— Jared A. Chambers 🇺🇲 (@C4CEO) November 14, 2024
Nobody. Absolutely nobody. https://t.co/FaFOvUM2H7
Especially not Timothy Dalton. (Look it up.)
Whoppi? I'm sure all the men are going to be heart broken. 🙄
— Tree of Logic 🇺🇸 (@Tree_of_Logic) November 14, 2024
Seriously tho.......
Can someone show me a mid to beautiful heterosexual woman who is free from trauma and psych medication who's going on a sex strike? https://t.co/l5x9HHja5o
They do not exist. Certainly not being celibate because someone was elected President.
Goldberg declaring sex a commodity. https://t.co/IazXKK49rp
— 1WesRS (@1WesRebel) November 15, 2024
The irony of feminists -- who will never stop lecturing people about being 'objectified' -- declaring that sex is purely transactional in nature is thicker than Goldberg's fat folds.
And that irony is completely lost on them.
As is this:
Isn't it WILD that Whoopi magically knows what a WOMAN is now.
— West 4B Movement (@west4bmovement) November 14, 2024
Sheesh. https://t.co/g98QLhemVa
Pardon the pun, but ... 'whoops.'
Ultimately, the response from men across America was fairly universal:
— WCall (@WilliamCall19) November 14, 2024
If Goldberg could put it in writing that she would never again have sex with men -- and have it notarized -- that might be even better.
But enjoy your 'sex strike,' Whoopi. We'll be over here thanking God for small favors as Donald Trump racks up even more wins for his second term.
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