Where’s the old Kurt Eichenwald? You know, the fun guy next door who’d help his wife look up tentacle porn and get busted doing it? We miss that guy.

We can’t really say that Trump’s broken him, but he sounds … broken. He’s declaring America dead in a Twitter thread Tuesday. Guess we should mark it on a calendar or something.

We hear Canada is lovely.

We’re not sure where Eichenwald is moving to escape this hell, and we’re not sure why people keep crossing the border illegally to come here seeing as it’s so horrible. Why on earth would DREAMers fight to stay here?

We do have to agree that infrastructure could use improvement, especially in Democrat-run cities where a Twitter account keeps track of whether the Metro is on fire or not. Remember when candidate Barack Obama promised a network of high-speed trains, and when Joe Biden joined the push to “go big” on high-speed rail? And now California is already billions over budget for its bullet train, which is still in Phase 1.

We’d be happy to see all of these things improved — if the government would just get out of the way. But that would feed Eichenwald’s theory that the rich would just take the money and jet off to France. Oh well.

We’re also afraid a lot of Eichenwald’s non-troll followers have been reading Cory Booker’s poetry.

No wonder “America first” hits some of these people like an acid attack.

Thanks, rest of the world — but thoughts and prayers are not enough.

Wow, Trump’s gonna be president forever, isn’t he?

If we knew what to say to give Eichenwald some hope … well, we’re all blocked, so it wouldn’t matter anyway.


GOP would kill their own moms? Congrats Kurt Eichenwald, this is your dumbest tweet YET