'What knockers!' Female author's attempt at lecturing men on how to write about boobs in nag-filled thread falls FLAT

A note from a weary Twitchy editor, to all other writers who think they have the right to tell them what to write and how to write about it:

Knock it off.

If you don’t like what someone writes, don’t read it.

This isn’t difficult.

Unless of course, you’re Katherine May who for whatever reason felt the need to lecture male writers on how they write about boobs.

A note from a very weary editor, to all male writers:

Women's breasts are not communication devices. They are not sending you, or your male protagonists, encoded messages. They are, in fact, insentient. They neither dance nor issue invitations.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

But boobs are fun.

Just sayin’.

In the vast majority of scenarios, they don't merit a mention at all.

You know how it's rude to stare at boobs in real life? It's a similar breach of etiquette to mention them repeatedly in your prose, while their owner is just going about her daily business.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Or, you know, if it’s your prose and you want to write about boobs … go for it.

In addition, they are rarely arranged for your personal approval.

I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?

Most of the time they're just sitting there, just as your own moobs are just sitting there, quite innocently, not carrying any meaning whatsoever.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

And here's a very simple rule of thumb: if you're describing a woman in a professional context, do not – I repeat, do NOT – mention her breasts. It is not just irrelevant; it's downright icky.

If it would count as sexual harassment in real life, don't put it in writing.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Now, it may well be pertinent to talk about boobs when your characters are having sex. Bon. However…

Breasts have no musculature, and so cannot move independently. They do not surge upwards in excitement unless their owner is bouncing on the bed. (In which case, good for her.)

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Huh?

They are not woodland creatures. They do not tremble, vibrate, rise to your touch, or indeed sit up on their hind legs and sniff the air in anticipation.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Wait, what if they do? Should this editor call her doctor?

They do not – please god – nestle.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Some do.

We know you love boobs. I mean, who doesn't? They're adorable things.

But if you are trying to write a serious novel please try to hold back from mentioning them all the frickin' time. It's downright creepy.

If ever the phrase 'kill your darlings' were relevant…

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

If ever the phrase, ‘Mind your own damn business’ were relevant …

Also, she should know that telling people not to write about something only means they’re going to write about it MORE.