Ruben Gallego Is Looking for a New Staff Member and I Have Just the Person For the Job

Attention Twitchy readers:

Do you hate your life? Are you addicted to self-punishment and humiliation? Are you skilled at shilling for a complete slimeball?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then -- Whoa, Nellie! -- have I got the job for you!

Last night, in what could be considered the worst timing since Archduke Franz Ferdinand decided to visit Sarajevo on Serbian National Day, the government employment site Daybook listed a new dream job opportunity in Arizona politics.

What's the gig? Press Secretary for Senator Ruben Gallego!

Hey it's @RubenGallego. My decade-long best friend just resigned from Congress amid allegations of repeat sexual harassment. I dismissed his victims and currently am on a downward spiral with no end in sight.

Would you like to be my new Press Secretary?https://t.co/TCumlkNAde
— Brian Anderson (@AZBrianAnderson) April 16, 2026

No one wants to go to Hell in a handbasket alone. No wonder Gallego wants some company for his impending downhill ride.

When you complete the Democratic comms staffer campaign on Very Hard mode, you unlock the "Defend Ruben Gallego against The Allegations" scenario. https://t.co/4lnb4rZWVf
— Paralegal Activity (@guchi_luke) April 16, 2026

What is the 'Final Boss' version of that game? Writing dating profiles for Anthony Weiner?

Why isn’t this flagged as a “temp” position? https://t.co/3AzDxB7PsQ
— Elan (@engele) April 16, 2026

An extremely temporary position. Shorter than Louis XIX of France.

Is this the Babylon bee
— BC I CAN (@ChristianNica) April 16, 2026

I legitimately can’t tell if this is a joke or not.
— Ladybird (@hereforthe61512) April 16, 2026

Many people, including me, thought that it had to be a parody. But it is a real job listing that is still up on the Daybook website. Feel free to click if you have committed mortal sins and want to begin your penance in the harshest way possible.

But since I only want the best for Gallego, I spent last night racking my brain for the one person in America who could have the qualifications needed to be his press secretary, and spend each waking day and night trying to stand in front of him, defending the indefensible.

And then it hit me. The perfect candidate does indeed exist for this job.

You know her. You loathe her. And maybe you even miss her a little bit.