If you are like me, you enjoy Calvin and Hobbes, hockey, dogs, and alternative music from the 80s and 90s.
No, but seriously, if you are like me, you are getting pretty sick of blue states in America that take longer to count votes than Halley's Comet does in between appearances above our night sky.
This weekend, a tweet from Elon Musk (and Newsweek magazine) put California's failure in stark relief.
India counted 640 million votes in 1 day.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) November 24, 2024
California is still counting votes 🤦♂️ https://t.co/ai8JmWxas6
California had approximately 16 million voters in the 2024 election. Some of those voters might have even been citizens of the state, but, of course, that is impossible to tell since Governor Gavin Newsom and the state legislature have outlawed voter ID.
It is now 19 days after the election and California is still counting those 16 million. (Or finding suitcases full of ballots to count, at least.)
Everyone knows what they are doing. They are going to keep the election going until the candidate they want to win comes out on top. Take a look at California's 45th Congressional District:
HAPPENING NOW 🚨 After 18 days of counting votes, Democrats are now 500 votes AHEAD in California’s District 45 Seat
— Charlie Kirk 🇺🇸 NEWS (@CharlieKNews) November 23, 2024
WE ALL CAN GUESS WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE
WE WERE LEADING THE WHOLE TIME AND NOW THE LAST FEW DAYS WE HAVEN’T
WE HAVE TO STOP THE STEAL 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/tSffpfYstc
Now that the Democrat has taken the lead, expect the election in that district to be called any day now.
California has now become its own little third-world banana republic and it is time we put a stop to it.
It is time for, dare I say, a modest proposal. Not just for California, but for any state or precinct that wants to keep undermining elections in America.
So, without further ado -- and with my full apologies to Jonathan Swift -- here it is:
A MODEST PROPOSAL: FOR PREVENTING THE POOR CITIZENS IN AMERICA, FROM BEING BURDENED BY CORRUPT STATES, AND FOR MAKING THOSE STATES BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLICK.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through a once-great state, or travel in the country, when they see the elections, the election officials, and government offices crowded with corrupt politicians, followed by three, four, or six bureaucrats, all unaccountable, and all manufacturing votes for a desired outcome.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number bureaucrats are in the present deplorable state of the Republic, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these states who employ them sound and useful members of the union, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the bureaucrats and corrupt politicians: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole usefulness of certain states.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found such states grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a corrupt state may be supported by the remaining states, for many years, but after a certain number of years, I propose to account for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a burden upon the Republic, they shall, on the contrary, be expelled from the ability to degrade the nation any further.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured, by very knowing Americans, that a corrupt, banana republic state is, at many years of maintaining such perfidy, no longer a contributing member of the Republic and, like a cancerous tumor, must be surgically excised to prevent the death of the larger organism of which it is a part.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of 50 voting states, already computed, that California and any other states which refuse to count votes properly and expeditiously on Election Night, and who drag elections out for weeks to ensure specific outcomes, be removed from their equal status among the remaining states and offered in sale to the persons or entities of quality and fortune, to become vassal territories with no representation in government, and its elected officials and bureaucrats rendered plump and fat for a good table. A politician or bureaucrat will make many dishes at an entertainment for friends, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter, to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many states of this Republic, having of late counted their votes in mere hours on Election Night, he conceived that the rest of the union might well be better off without the degradation and humiliation embodied by states that contribute nothing other than to embarrass the Republic on the world stage. And further, that for want of livestock which hath all been purchased by Blackrock and William Gates [NOT persons or entities of quality], politicians and bureaucrats, who have never known a life nor nary a moment of labor or hardship, would serve as succulent delicacies in high demand for discerning gourmands across the remaining states.
I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the corrupted persons, with which we are yearly overrun, being the principal destroyers of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies.
Secondly, the residents of California or similar states will have something valuable of their own, by finally being a contribution to the nation without the responsibility of determining our course.
Thirdly, whereas the maintenance of a corrupt state cannot be computed at less than billions of taxpayer dollars per annum, the nation’s stock will be thereby increased immeasurably, And the money will circulate among ourselves.
Fourthly, the nation being rid of the rotted politicians and bureaucrats, besides the gain of many quality meals per annum, will also be rid of the charge of maintaining them each year.
Fifthly, this food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection; and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skillful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, this would be a great inducement to other states, which a wise nation has either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. We should soon see an honest emulation among the remaining states, which of them could bring elections to their quickest resolution.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of electoral votes to states of virtue, as we allow pure and true residents of the vassal territories such as California, to emigrate to a state that appreciates their value and the worthiness of counting their votes expediently. But this, and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of politicians and bureaucrats will be thereby much lessened in the Republic. This I freely own, and was indeed one principal design in offering it to the nation.
Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of reforming California or any location which tries to emulate its corruption. Of electing better officials or appointing better bureaucrats in such states. Of the likely vomitous taste of those same officials and bureaucrats, as the palates of Americans are widely at variance (after all, some people consume Brussels sprouts and pretend to enjoy them). Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and corruption in those vermin. Of instilling in them a love of our country, which is a lost cause. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into California's politicians and bureaucrats, who, if a resolution could now be taken, would immediately reject it to cheat and exact upon us further destruction.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging California.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country.
***
We've given California ample opportunity to get its freaking act together and it is only getting worse. Removing its status as a state and exiling it to vassal territory status with no voting rights to deleteriously impact the rest of the nation -- I humbly submit -- is the only practical remedy remaining.
The Gavin Newsom burgers, Scott Weiner dogs, and Adam Schiff neck tenderloins are just a bonus feature of my modest proposal.
