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Well, THAT'S a Relief: UK Board Raises Rating for Mary Poppins Due to 'Discriminatory Language'

AP Photo/Don Brinn, File

There is a lot of dangerous content out there in the world for children. Thanks to the internet, children can get access to pornography, extreme acts of violence, and much worse (yes, there are worse things than that, but we won't list them here) 

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But parents in the U.K. can rest easy about at least one area of dangerous content that will now be protected from young, impressionable eyes. 

That's right. Britain's long, national nightmare of unfettered access to Mary Poppins is, at last, coming to an end.

And we wish we were making that up. 

Yes, the 1964 classic movie, beloved by millions over multiple generations has a naughty word in it, folks. 

It's used TWICE even—the horror.

We were afraid that might be the word too, but nope. 

No, not that word either. Variety has more:  

On Friday, the British Board of Film Classification upped the Disney movie’s cinema rating from U, meaning it contained 'no material likely to offend or harm,' to PG for 'discriminatory language.'

In a statement to Variety, a BBFC spokesperson said that the film 'includes two uses of the discriminatory term ‘hottentots’. While ‘Mary Poppins’ has a historical context, the use of discriminatory language is not condemned, and ultimately exceeds our guidelines for acceptable language at U. We therefore classified the film PG for discriminatory language.'

That's right. 'Hottentots.' A word no child of Mary Poppins viewing age has EVER heard in their life -- and frankly, we doubt that many adults have ever heard either, regardless of age. But was used commonly by the Dutch in the 17th century to refer to the African Khoikhoi people. It has no known derisive etymology, but over the centuries, it began to be used as a general term for dark-skinned people, specifically those from African nations. 

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'Hottentots' is used a couple of times in Mary Poppins as a reference to young chimney sweeps because of the ash all over their faces from their work.

That's right: child chimney sweeps in slavish conditions are not a problem, but using the word 'Hottentots' to describe them is DANGEROUS FOR CHILDREN.

Can Mary Poppins please now just pull out her umbrella and whisk us away from Clown World? 

We're going to need extra batteries for our sarcasm detector to write this article. 

Remember, the U.K. is now a place where you can get sent to jail for mean tweets, so this is not a surprise, even though it is very sad.

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We think Star Wars should be reclassified because Luke's incessant whining might be harmful to children, but maybe that's just us. 

We should probably be grateful they aren't banning Mary Poppins outright, or rewriting the movie and eliminating any copies of the original. After all, that's what they tried to do to Roald Dahl's books because he refers to some kids as 'fat.'

Of course, many folks decided that, as long as the world wants to keep trying to be stupid, we might as well have some fun mocking it.

Yikes. Big if true. 

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It WAS a pretty bad accent, to be fair. But probably not worth a ratings change. 

There are way too many of those people today.

And let's not forget that, while the UK is clutching its pearls over the use of a historical word that no one says anymore, they certainly seem to be fine with other 'cultural entertainments' that children have access to. 

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Don't bother calling it hypocrisy. It's not. It's just insanity. It's Calvinball. The rules are whatever they say the rules are. But you have to obey them. 

So, what is a sane parent supposed to do when it comes to ridiculous actions like this from institutions that think they are better than us and know what's good for us? 

That's right. Ignore them. Go directly in the opposite direction. Make them completely irrelevant.

This is the only way.

*** 

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