'Tis the season for people pretending to have odd sexual orientations … apparently.
As Twitchy readers know, we told you about a woman who identifies as a bandwagon, goalpost-moving sexuality known as 'abrosexual'.
The subject of this story, however, claims to be attracted to a giant oak tree. Would that make her 'arborsexual'?
I’m an ‘ecosexual’ — I’ve fallen in love with an oak tree https://t.co/dRjlx6I9pA pic.twitter.com/isWv3O2oTA
— New York Post (@nypost) December 26, 2023
Nope. She claims to be an 'ecosexual', not to be confused with 'echosexuals', who are attracted to the sound of their own voices.
Yes, we just made that up. In our defense, they're just making this stuff up too.
'A big misconception is that ecosexuality means sex between people and nature, it’s a different way to explore the erotic,' the forest fetishist explained. 'To watch the changing of the seasons is to me an erotic act. You go from death in winter and then everything comes alive in spring and mates.'
In other words, she's nuts … or acorns.
— siraj hashmi (@SirajAHashmi) December 26, 2023
Evergreen. LOL.
"You don't have to be lonely, at Lumberonly dot com"🎶 https://t.co/RRw9TCWUlB
— Andrew Donaldson (@four4thefire) December 26, 2023
Bwahaha!
At this point the NY Post has run so many Woman Marries Tree stories, they should just add a tree engagement announcements sections https://t.co/lJSqoOEf5z
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 26, 2023
Tree marriage seems like a bad idea, especially with oak trees. Many oak trees are marcescent, you see, which means they do not drop their leaves until spring. Entering into holy matrimony with such a tree runs afoul of the warning against being unequally oaked with an un-de-leafer. (We worked hard for that one. We're not even sorry.)
Recommended
“This is not consensual. Please send help” -oak tree https://t.co/2BkQl01zyR
— The Dank Knight 🦇 (@capeandcowell) December 26, 2023
Un-poplar opinion: It's way too hard to avoid contradictions in the rules when you attempt to normalize insanity.
Narrator: She didn’t actually fall in love with a tree. She just wanted attention and weirdly did this to get it.
— Nate (@BurningDoor99) December 26, 2023
Finally, someone who sees the forest past the trees.
wood, you marry me?
— stevemur (@stevemur) December 26, 2023
LOL. Well played.
Man, dealing with the splinters must be tough… https://t.co/OdB2mcEk1W
— (((Aaron Walker))) (@AaronWorthing) December 26, 2023
We're guessing there's a 90-percent chance she becomes a tweezersexual at some point.
Leaf her alone, it's obvious she's knots. I'm rooting for them though. Hoping she'll wear its ring, and if someday their love splinters and they split, I wonder who gets custody of the acorns. https://t.co/GPF9EJ04ls
— G (@stevensongs) December 26, 2023
Fine. We'll just turn over the puns to you folks now … fir real.
Way to go out on a limb, girl. https://t.co/DJ2l3ZOolB
— Robert X George (@RobGeorge) December 26, 2023
That's what we're talking about!
What up? pic.twitter.com/TEkHwZvJR0
— Shag Knight 🐋 (@cardi_mark) December 26, 2023
Ecosexual tree-hugger lady: 'Hey, Groot. You wanna get with me?'
Groot: 'No.'
"Send nudes" https://t.co/QjTHHbf6hG pic.twitter.com/XnqcKBBQyb
— Brad Slager: Flips On The Highbeams In Fog Of War (@MartiniShark) December 26, 2023
Hawt! That tree clearly exfoliagates.
The Homer Simpson bushes gif was tailor-made for this tweet https://t.co/Jh8c9tGaup pic.twitter.com/J48YB0khXp
— Dean Turner (@DeanTTraining) December 26, 2023
Perfect.
We just can't take any more.
We're gonna leaf you with that one, spruce up our timeline, branch out into some non-deviant content, and get back to our roots on more traditional Democrat insanity.
***
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