We’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of this thread being started, but seeing as we just read a piece in Slate about how no one should have to wear a mask outdoors, it seems especially timely. We would have missed out on this fantastic thread by Aldous Huxley’s Ghost™ if it weren’t for Stephen King, who can’t stop complaining about Florida.
Florida’s chief exports: Oranges and coronavirus. Lots of tourists take home plenty of both when their vacations are over.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) March 17, 2021
That tweet inspired someone to respond with a photo of the getup he and his wife have to wear outside thanks to #DeathSantis. The man deleted the tweet after getting ratio’d, but Aldous Huxley’s Ghost™ preserved the photo for his thread of life during the coronavirus:
All Jim ever wanted to be was an astronaut. It was his lifelong dream. And now, thanks to the kind role players at the local Society for Creative Anachronism, he was one! He hadn't been this excited since teacher had given him the box of 64 crayons to replace the ones he'd eaten! pic.twitter.com/zNMPmy6Oej
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 17, 2021
We won’t get to every post in the thread, which starts here, but we’ll try to give you the highlights.
"This is the new normal," they cry. "This is now our brave new world. Do not venture from your square, for you will certainly be beaten down and placed in jail." pic.twitter.com/PrmkmgPD2A
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 13, 2020
The "new normal" seems a very weird and disturbing brave new world. "For your own safety, sir and madam, please don these funny hats when entering our establishment." pic.twitter.com/K3TAHK6RWj
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 14, 2020
The "new normal" has progressed to the point where sex dolls are able to attend soccer games without fear of being accosted. No word on how loudly they moaned for the home team. pic.twitter.com/WQ4RPgL2q7
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 21, 2020
In this "new normal" world of ours, nurses come to work in lingerie underneath see-through protective gear. Alas, it is not because they are playing the role of a sexy nurse in an adult film, but rather because no one gives them scrubs to wear underneath. pic.twitter.com/W891zsI7QJ
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 21, 2020
Citizens are allotted one circle per social distancing team and one tab of Soma® each, according to the strict new guidelines of our brave new world. Much like in sumo wrestling, if they step out of the circle, it's game over. pic.twitter.com/viOw9rozPS
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 23, 2020
"We love plastic so much now!" exclaimed Suzie. "Before, we thought it was killing the planet, but it turns out to be the only thing keeping us alive!" pic.twitter.com/RUbVwf1FFi
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 23, 2020
The date had started normal enough. The standard "air five" across the street upon meeting. Separate cab rides to the restaurant. Prison visitation style seating. But Andrew seemed distant. Kim wondered if it was more than just the fact he couldn't hear what she was saying. pic.twitter.com/dlfTYNFVSI
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 23, 2020
In the "new normal" of our brave new world, neon space suits will become mandatory for going out to a club. Your suit may be rented from entertainment venues where you can be assured they are mostly cleaned and sterilized prior to use. pic.twitter.com/jFWAVN1diM
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 24, 2020
In our brave new world, the "new normal" of mask-wearing requires all women to be dressed entirely in masks. This may cause certain issues in the winter months such as frostbite and hypothermia, but those are consequences we are forced to accept. pic.twitter.com/nC13DWyQom
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 24, 2020
The "new normal" in our brave new world requires newly-produced children to participate in a mock gun fight to prepare them for the battles over toilet paper in Costco and Walmart during the coming years. pic.twitter.com/2nwkHT0RLW
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 24, 2020
One bonus that we're seeing with the "new normal" in our brave new world is gold crowns given out for those who successfully demonstrate they are social distancing as an appropriate response to government demands. Silver crowns to be given out to those who dox the non-compliant. pic.twitter.com/xm6g4epo5A
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 26, 2020
She'd been on bad dates before, but none like this. She couldn't hear a thing the guy was saying and she couldn't excuse herself to powder her nose. She was trapped inside a cloud of her own carbon dioxide. And the waiter refused to come within six feet to refill her wine glass. pic.twitter.com/ucsvg3BjSQ
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) May 28, 2020
While the Betas in our political sphere have not been replaced or retired, the "new normal" now requires them to pander only in uniform Kente attire from Ashanti slave traders who they have just discovered for the first time via a quick internet search. pic.twitter.com/4GARUuziFM
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) June 11, 2020
In our "new normal," denizens may no longer venture out into the brave new world unless securely inside portable "safe zones." These "safe zones" provide a barrier from unwanted speech, give the user a sense of equality with others, and are color-coded by the user's ethnicity. pic.twitter.com/hL5uX2YBPl
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) June 13, 2020
In the "new normal" of this brave new world, it took a bit to get used to the hyperbaric chamber rather than open-air dining. She had gotten the bends on several dates, and once a date passed gas so violently oxygen couldn't be pumped in fast enough and they had to be evacuated. pic.twitter.com/MUUkn5ahio
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) June 19, 2020
The chemical cleaners didn't mix well with protein supplements and if he used heavier weights the smell made him vomit, but this was the "new normal" of his brave new world. Still, the plastic safe spaces muffled the agonized grunts of the lady power-lifting next to him. pic.twitter.com/Rqub8YIEzt
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) June 21, 2020
Going from "Upward Facing Dog" into the "Take Me, Instructor" pose wan't nearly as exciting as it had been prior to the new normal of this brave new world. She could feel his hands grip her thighs, but it was only her imagination; the Plexiglas yoga domes prevented that now. pic.twitter.com/TRAKFmStqJ
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) June 22, 2020
The air inside the small plastic enclosures was stifling. It smelled strongly of Yellow Number Two and baby powder-covered sweat. The math problems jumped around on the page. At least the mask hides most of my crying, he thought, glancing at the clock. It seemed to tick backward. pic.twitter.com/U20BH96oeJ
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) August 24, 2020
Stay in your squares. Do not leave the boundaries. Do not sit or lay down. Do not remove your masks and face shields. Anyone who violates these orders must report to the table in the rear of the classroom for reeducation. pic.twitter.com/Nx2ZfOlVyV
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) August 25, 2020
Maria had never been camping. All she wanted was a good chicken parm and a side salad, but in this brave new world, that came with the full camping experience. All that lacked was bug spray, but with Chad's Anarchy-scented Axe Body Spray™ permeating the tent, they had that too. pic.twitter.com/IlV8CxftqK
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) January 11, 2021
Ray had been looking forward to going out drinking with the boys for months, but barely halfway through the appetizers, the boys were already drunk enough to start playing bumper cars with the tables. Shattered glass and sticky rum drinks were everywhere, even in his underwear. pic.twitter.com/bHK7Wl4R8q
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) January 18, 2021
Jackie was careful. The virus was invisible, but as long as he kept it on his left and away from the breathing hole on the right side of his mask, he was safe. The only problem was that it kept fogging whenever a hot girl walked by. pic.twitter.com/gN7VS4FF8u
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) January 18, 2021
This brave new world scared Linn more than she wanted to admit, and far more than she was willing to let others see. She needed to blend in, to act like all the others around her, even if it meant wearing two masks and a sawed-off two-liter bottle of Moxie over her head. pic.twitter.com/50zSYNW4TT
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) January 18, 2021
"Let's go to Band Camp!" they had told her, but this was far from what Michelle had imagined. Sure, there were musical instruments, and there were tents, but the air was stifling and she could barely hear the other band members. She hadn't heard from the flute player in days. pic.twitter.com/u3xJGvavj1
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) February 25, 2021
Prisoner #69040 didn't know her fellow inmate's name, if she even had one. For the last year (or was it two?) she'd been trapped in a blur of color, accosted constantly by the glare of florescent lights reflecting off cheap plastic. It smelled of sterile boredom and hopelessness. pic.twitter.com/1r4gpCFalF
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) February 25, 2021
Dave and Cassandra suspected no one was around. There wasn't a speck of civilization for miles. Still, they couldn't risk it. Not when there was only a 99.6% of survival. Behind them, a mountain lion watched them intently, completely still but for a slight twitch of her tail. pic.twitter.com/D0KtcbNa7P
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 1, 2021
The suit was airtight. He was suffocating, gagging on the smell of his own breath. He felt the Taco Bell he'd had for lunch working its way through. Finally he'd had enough. Just before it was too late, he reached for the zipper. It didn't budge. pic.twitter.com/IN2IIMwYu9
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 1, 2021
>I just heard the shuttle commander say we're landing, but it's too early! Mars is much further away!
<No Mom. That's the pilot, and you're coming to Cleveland to visit us. You're not on a voyage to Mars.
>Cleveland?
<Yes Mom. Only robots can fly to Mars for now.
>Cleveland? pic.twitter.com/08ZkTCVXWN
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 3, 2021
In our brave new world, human contact is shunned. Humans must grow up learning to fear the touch of another human's skin, keeping everyone at a distance of a double arm's length for fear of contamination from any foreign virus, disease, filth, bile, or compassion. pic.twitter.com/WFvg5kdFpu
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 14, 2021
It had finally happened. She'd talked back to the TSA agent. In this brave new world one couldn't just say what they wanted. One bad word and it was right to the trash bin. Now there was nothing to do but wait for the sanitation crews to arrive and transport them to the landfill. pic.twitter.com/5f0mmgNa7r
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) March 25, 2021
They'd found a positive. He was quarantined and his vehicle incinerated. The twelfth wave had brought the quadruple mutant Mars variant, believed so contagious, social distancing had been increased to six blocks. The positive, of course, would recover quickly from the sniffles. pic.twitter.com/9hUM2lCN9D
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) April 6, 2021
It had been a mistake to come to this brave new hairdresser. A huge mistake. Lee had expected… well, he wasn't sure what he had expected, but it sure wasn't to be smacked on the back of the head with a paddle for a half an hour straight. His vision was starting to double. pic.twitter.com/ol5OY4tGZg
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) April 6, 2021
Gertrude was terrified. They'd told her this new hairdresser was eccentric, strange even. All they had said was that the salon was called "Gotham's Finest," and that he wore some sort of weirdly shaped "bat suit." She hadn't expected the constant under-the-breath growling. pic.twitter.com/v1EDvHvwx5
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) April 6, 2021
It is imperative in this time of global cold and flu season, that nurses take every opportunity to study the dance moves critical to their patients' survival. There is simply no time for anything else more trivial. pic.twitter.com/9KIQtKocZN
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) April 8, 2021
Margaret didn't approve of her sister's family's new fashion choices, but it was Easter, and she wasn't about to spoil it. They saw each other rarely enough as it was. Still, she couldn't help thinking about pulling the bottom of the plastic closed to watch them struggle for air. pic.twitter.com/2UwvBU8o67
— Aldous Huxley's Ghost™ (@AF632) April 13, 2021
Brilliant.
Related:
Watch the ’emotional moment’ when grandparents hug their grandson through a COVID-19 ‘hugging station’ https://t.co/oTjm2k99Ww
— Twitchy Team (@TwitchyTeam) November 13, 2020
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