“Every sperm is sacred” is one of those bad-faith arguments that abortion advocates bring up every once in a while; if life begins at conception, then men — especially white male pro-life legislators — had better keep better track of their sperm — never mind the fact that that’s not where conception begins. We could go into detail, but there are plenty of books on the subject. In short, it’s not human life.

But the Washington Post thought they had a thoughtful op-ed Wednesday arguing that if states are going to legislate what’s to be done with an aborted fetus, then they ought to go all the way and mandate that funerals be held for all spermatozoa.

Alexandra Petri cites a bill in Pennsylvania that will never pass mandating death certificates for fertilized ova and writes that spermatozoa ought to be included as well:

A lone train must bear the remains from state to state, so that we may gather to pay our last respects. We must spare no cost. Flags must be lowered to half-staff. Dogs must howl. The governor must deliver a eulogy — the president, indeed, would be better. And, at last, the remains must be borne home in the highest honor, just as the legislators so thoughtfully wished for their brethren. I think, also, that stars should be placed in the windows of those who bear so great a loss; it is a simple matter of respect. We shall all hear the bell toll, and know — it tolls for these.

That’s cute. She didn’t mention that a female pro-choice state politician in Pennsylvania argued that “an early miscarriage is just some mess on a napkin.” More science.

No, they don’t. Remember when Jennifer Wright, political editor at large for Harpers Bazaar, actually tweeted this?

Party of science, y’all!