‘Main ingredient in my rants is rage’: Comedian Iliza Shlesinger unloads after TSA encounter

Posted at 11:19 am on April 24, 2014 by Sarah D.

Things at LAX were going great for stand-up comic Iliza Shlesinger this morning. Maybe a little too great. As she tells it, her “hassle-free” pre-flight experience quickly turned into the TSA patdown from hell:

OMFG SPOKE TOO SOON! Just spent the last 45 minutes in a private room. 3 pay downs!! 3!!!! Said I tested positive for remnants of explosives
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Couldn't touch my stuff or Blanche and they had to call in AN EXPLOSIVES EXPERT to scan my fucking leggings or whatever.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

People were looking at me like id been arrested! The "explosives expert" btw did nothing different! She patted me down and that was it
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

They were like "you might just not be able to fly today and u should like check your lotions for chemicals"
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

My lotion is birthday cake scented not fucking YELLOW CAKE URANIUM scented! OMG that was horrible! Couldn't put my shoes on! No touch bebo!
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

One of them even said "don't roll your eyes at me" like I'm a fucking child. Your telling me I have explosives remnants on my dachshund
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard- of course I'm gonna roll my eyes you fucking walking Funion bag.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

@iliza Its almost like they're following your twitter feed?
— Lysdexic Artsmass (@Lysdexicia) April 24, 2014

@Lysdexicia I thought they had!!
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Ugh and the big one kept being like "what times is your flight?" And is answer and he'd just walk away- WHY? Think ur being intimidating?
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

This isn't a fucking interrogation room, you fucking Hot Cheeto stain.This isn't good cop bad cop but good job.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

An explosives expert? So what? She's queen of the University of Phoenix graduates?
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

I was like "can I just wash my hands and take care of this whole issue since I clearly don't have a bomb on me?" And she was like "well
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

"If my supervisor doesn't clear you you can just go home and like- evaluate the ingredients in your products" I'm like… What the fuck am
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

I even looking for? Oh so I should get rid of my uranium based shampoo and my Bath and Body Works Terror Threat essential oils?
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

"What time's your flight" fuck you, son. Like go fuuuuuck yourself. I didn't do anything wrong. It's innocent until proven guilty –
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Not guilty until Omar and Shequan realize their manual only takes them to the 3rd pay down and after that the page had been ripped out so
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Some TSA FUCKSTICK could roll a joint on a lunch break.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Then I started getting paranoid that I HAD handled a bomb. Sort of like when a drug sniffin dog sniffs your bag and you start getting
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

Paranoid even though u have no drugs? Then I started thinking, Oh no… Someone taught Mongo and Company to read and they've seen my tweets!
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

As self involved as that sounds like, what if? What if one of these guys learned words and knew about my rants? And they were fucking w me
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

MEANWHILE I watched an elderly Asian TSA man remove a giant can of hairspray and of LUBE from some girl's bag and then he walked away…
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

So the frizzy haired/super horned up girl goes to put the 20oz items BACK in her bag! And some ransoms TSA tumbleweed happened to drift by
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

And was like "uh, you can't have that"-way to screen for the bad stuff and then do nothing. MEANWHILE I still wasn't allowed to touch Bebo!
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

And when all was said and done?

Also? 45 min, 1 "explosive (diarrhea) expert and 3 pat downs later? I still walked away with a can of mace attached to my car keys.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

You let me on this flight and every flight with the combustible weapon of the mace attached to my keys. Yeah, you guys are doing awesome.
— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) April 24, 2014

(Hat tip: @fusionaddict)

***

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