Yeah … the Democrats aren’t even trying to hide their desperation anymore. With fundraising emails featuring headlines like “I need you” and “begging…BEGGING,” they’re throwing out their last shred of dignity in the hopes of getting sympathetic suckers to fork over a few bucks.
National Review’s Jonah Goldberg was among the lucky recipients of a plea from Nancy Pelosi:
Nancy, don't beg. pic.twitter.com/1RlHTxUxQE
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) September 29, 2014
That creepy missive got Ace of Spades to thinking … what if the tables were turned?
Jonah, we HAVE to talk.
Why are you not answering your phone?
Why are you not standing in your window like you used to? @JonahNRO
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
We like where this is going.
i understand that this faux breathless/presumptuously intimate form of email solicitation actually works on the emotionally fragile.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
So I know they won't stop doing it until it stops working.
I pray it will stop working soon, though.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
here's an idea: someone cobble together an epistolatory (letter-based) short story from the desperate pleadings of Democratic fund-raisers.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Insert ghosts, Huns, and smugglers as required to achieve a narrative flow.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Jonah, you must help me. We are desperate.
There are strange marauders ranging across our farm, riding wolves, with snakes in their hair.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Think about the story: Interviews with insiders could reveal how the faux-intimate, feigned-desperate tone manipulates people into donating.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
And it particularly manipulates the unsophisticated — that is, the "afflicted," to the benefit of "The comfortable."
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
It's an easily-written story.
So why not write it?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
per @danielwinlander, a similar story was written by Wired http://t.co/k7fw9BGpj5
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
But not with the judgmental angle I propose.
The media supposedly wants to protect "the afflicted" from scamsters, right?— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
In that case, the media should take a cue from the master:
Hey I've got an idea.
Hey,
@nancypelosi, we are desperate. We need your help.
Will you send each person who RT's this $3 ?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-
@nancypelosi, you have walked with me in the past. Will you stand with me now?
Please send me $15 for Arby's.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-
Time is running out. @nancypelosi, we're at a crisis. I thought Arby's was doing 2-for-1 roast beef but that's OVER.
Please send $20.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-@BarackObama, Republicans want to roll the clock back to 2008.
Please send $20. I want to rent X-Men on PPV. I also want candy.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
.@barackobama, will you stand and fight?
X-Men is doing that annoying thing where you have to buy it for $20.
I need $5 more for candy.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-@barackobama, the time for choosing is NOW.
I need $25, all told, for the X-Men, and candy.
Only *you* can save me.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-
The Republicans have given us the back of their hand, @dwstweets.
Please send me $5. @barackobama has not gotten back to me re: candy.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-
TIME IS RUNNING SHORT.@dwstweets, you might as well send me the full $25. The X-Men isn't going to rent itself.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?
@nancypelosi, since I told you about the desperate Arby's situation, a new X-Man calamity has arisen.
Please send $30.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
A NEW GOP WAR ON ARBY'S?
@nancypelosi, while you sit idle, the GOP agenda of keeping roast beef out of my mouth is succeeding. Send $20.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Dear Bestie,
@nancypelosi, we've become very close during this short period of internet begs.Please send me $50 in "friendship money."
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Hey-
@nancypelosi, every hour a Planned Parenthood center closes forever.OK maybe not but you know what closes at 9? Arby's. Send $15.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 29, 2014
Awww … c’mon, Nancy. Please don’t say no!
THE FUTURE IS NOW@barackobama, the X-Men is just waiting to be rented.
But I'm stuck in 2008 with Dancing with the Stars.
Please send $20.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2014
President Obama, Ace needs you, too. Don’t leave him hangin’.
um i can't help but notice that none of these people have sent me any money yet
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2014
it's almost as if this "friendship" thing on the internet is a one-way street.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2014
Funny, that.
***
Related:
DCCC email: ‘We’re getting steamrolled by Karl Rove,’ ‘worst week so far’
Hilarious desperation: Jonah Goldberg predicts upcoming Dem fundraising email headers
Eww: This OFA email subject line makes Obama sound ‘just creepy’ [screenshots]
‘Make the laughing stop’: Jonah Goldberg shares another desperate Pelosi fundraising email
‘…BEGGING’: Increasingly desperate fundraising emails from DCCC are hilarious, creepy
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