Buckle Up, New York: You're About to Get What You Voted For With...
Vogue Deletes Post Slamming 'Far-Right' Islamophobe Brigitte Bardot
Experts Say 2025 Was So Hot It Pushed Earth Past Critical Climate Change...
Carol Roth Hilariously Notices Something About Mamdani's Coronation
Call To Activism Bathes in the World's Worst Cologne Over Trump's New Year's...
Judge Rules Trump Administration Can Share Immigrants’ Medicaid Data With ICE
We Don't Believe You: X Users React Skeptically As New CBS Evening News...
Lin-Manuel Miranda Cancels Entire Run of Hamilton at Trump-Kennedy Center
CBS News' New Year's Resolution: More News, Less Elite Opinion
Our Gift to You This Holiday Season
Scott Jennings Drops Receipts on Hosts Denying Tim Walz Linked Fraud Probes to...
A New Year's Message From Twitchy Managing Editor Sam Janney
MeidasTouch Dork SUPER STOKED Over 4 Kids in Somali Daycare Shows Just How...
The 2025 Primetime Cable Ratings Are Out, and YIKES for the Lib Nets
Quality 'Learing' Center Adds New 'Touches' to Prove YES, THEY ARE OPEN and...

Proud gold-digger's essay about her fabulous life weirdly doesn't mention what she likes to do with severed pigs' heads

Insider recently published a delightful as-told-to essay by a woman named Amber Lucas, who, after a great deal of research and dedication, has discovered a great way to see the world and learn a lot about herself in the process:

Advertisement

Apparently Amber had to kiss quite a few frogs before she finally started catching princes:

And from that moment, her life would never be the same.

Advertisement

Fortunately, Amber was able to rebound. Several times.

Advertisement

It’s nice that Amber found her niche in society as an unapologetic gold-digger who’s willing to potentially risk becoming a sex slave or murder victim if she can get a Birkin out of the deal. Not everyone is able to figure out their life’s real purpose while they’re still relatively young, let alone at any age.

Anyway, “unapologetic gold-digger” is actually a step up from how Amber usually spent her time, which was as a violent and unhinged left-wing rioter:

Oh hai, Amber. We almost didn’t recognize you.

Did one of Amber’s wealthy sugar daddies bail her out?

Advertisement

So weird that she left that out of her essay. It’s way more interesting than the jet-setting-Pretty-Woman stuff. Any lady can be a gold-digger, but it takes a very special kind of gal to get creative with a severed head.

Heh.

Anyway, we’ll wrap this up with a piece of advice for all the wealthy guys out there who match with Amber Lucas on dating apps:

***

Help us keep owning the libs! Join Twitchy VIP and use promo code AMERICAFIRST to receive a 25% discount off your membership!

Join the conversation as a VIP Member

Recommended

Trending on Twitchy Videos

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement