My name is Sam, and gosh you guys, it’s time for me to own how racist I am … for drinking coffee this morning. Granted, I already knew I was racist because I care about being on time, if my kids succeed, working hard, being successful, and I love my country, AND according to my pals on the Left (especially the social justice a-holes), that all makes me racist. But now I can’t even enjoy a cup of coffee because THAT’S somehow racist and perpetuating white supremacy. I also took a shower this morning, does that make me a racist? OOH OOH, my favorite movie is Ghostbusters, is that racist? WHEN EVERYTHING IS RACIST NOTHING IS RACIST.

And it’s crazy that these so-called activists haven’t been able to figure this out. How can we take them at all seriously about anything ‘real’ when they want to shame us for drinking coffee? When they tie skin tone to a caffeinated, delicious beverage that keeps many of us from going entirely postal?


Drinking coffee is white supremacy? K.


Now that it’s been established that, historically, coffee is deeply rooted in colonialism and racism, you might be wondering what the next steps are. Aren’t we all addicted to the stuff? What do we do with our horrible knowledge?

If you think coffee culture can find refuge in specialty coffee, think again. This might be obvious to some, but I’ll spell it out for the folks in the back: the bourgeois notion of “specialty coffee” is explicitly rooted in classism, which is directly linked to racism (a whole other, and very long, topic).

It’s not just that Black folks cannot afford specialty coffee, but the very acceptance of the term “specialty coffee” suggests that some coffee is somehow superior to others, an idea that is rooted in whiteness. Values like “hard work creates better products” is a white supremacist idea that is constantly forced upon people of color and justifies stereotypes like the myth of “laziness” in people of color.

Yeah, I got NOTHIN’.

Except for a big glass of Hazelnut racism with a dash of cream in it.

They can SUCK it.

Technically, Elon is an African American.


It’s far too lucrative.



And curtain.