Now that the Head Butcher at Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards, has stepped down, The Babylon Bee in all its satirical glory shared a ‘leaked’ internal memo from Planned Parenthood listing her possible successors … and we can’t stop laughing.
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) January 31, 2018
From The Babylon Bee:
The memo provides a list of notable people who could possibly fill Richards’ soon-to-be vacant position, along with company notes providing their reasoning for and thoughts about each nominee:
The Mind Flayer from Stranger Things: This 50-story-tall shadow monster seems to have everything we need in a leader: he can control people’s minds, he feeds on helpless humans, and he controls an army of monsters. Really seems to fit with our company culture. Recommend shortlisting.
Kim Jong-un – Pros: no qualms with killing the unborn, good at manipulating the media, doesn’t have any hang-ups on oppressing the weak and helpless. Cons: None that we can see.
Cecile Richards’ true demonic form When Cecile resigns and sheds her meat suit, why not bring back her true demonic form as president? Might be a bad look for us, but it will show transparency and honesty which will play well with our supporters. (Could make for a lit hashtag/social media campaign—#TheRealCecile perhaps?)
A wrought iron scythe drippingin
blood – Maybe too on the nose? But still, having a symbol of our annual harvest of hundreds of thousands of humans could be inspiring to the clinics. Let’smull on it.
Kermit Gosnell – Yes, he’s in prison, but organized crime bosses have been able to run their syndicates from inside jail cells for decades, so we so reason why Dr. Gosnell could not do the same for us. Strong candidate.
Madam Umbridge – She already works for the dark lord. Maybe she’d be interested in a transfer to our department? We’ll ask Lord Voldemort if he can put us in touch on our next conference call.
A jar of festering pond scum – We have to find a candidate that will live up to Cecile’s moral legacy. Maybe we can collect a bunch of disgusting, putrid gunk from the bottom of a pond and that could be our next president? Just spitballing here.
Skynet – Our company’s mission is to snuff out the next generation of humanity, and Cyberdyne Systems’ self-aware neural network aims to exterminate mankind. Seems like there could be some mutual interest here. Worth exploring?
Seems there are a few people missing though:
Don't forget that Darth Sidius expressed interest as well. pic.twitter.com/QPMiZVLkxl
— Thomas (Σταμάτης) (@ThomasCoutouzis) January 31, 2018
My first choice pic.twitter.com/gWdNNfgAFA
— Delia Payne (@meemaw2013) February 1, 2018
But our favorite …
I nominate… pic.twitter.com/aaS5w4Tx1l
— Scott Myers (@_STMYERS_) January 31, 2018
Hey, it could happen.