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Ape-solutely BANANAS! WSJ Reports on Hair-Raising Civil War That Is Ravaging Africa

Grateful Calvin
Grateful Calvin  |  8:30 PM on April 10, 2026


Someone call the ghost of Charlton Heston! Or the Viscount Greystoke! There is an ongoing war in Africa that only they can handle. 

As if the world didn't have enough problems already, this week, the Wall Street Journal reported on a conflict that has been ravaging Uganda for almost a decade. A conflict that should have everyone going apesh-- ... well, you get the idea. 

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Yes, a full-blown civil war has broken out on the dark continent. A civil war among ... chimpanzees. 

It is well understood that chimp communities will war with other communities, but this particular conflict seems to have broken out within a single community, which has primatologists scratching their heads. 

'We’ve known for a long time that chimpanzees will attack and kill their neighbors,' said primatologist John Mitani, professor emeritus at the University of Michigan and a study co-author. 'It turns out they will do this even when those neighbors are former friends and allies.'

For 20 years, the Ngogo chimps of Uganda’s Kibale National Park 'were living the good life by being together,' Mitani said. They helped one another, dominated and killed apes from neighboring groups, expanded their territory and boosted their babies’ chances of survival. 

But in 2015, the group started splitting into two clusters. Several male chimps who had bridged cliques within the larger group died from disease, weakening social ties. Around the same time, a new alpha male rose to dominance. 

Hmm. His name wasn't 'Caesar' by any chance, was it? 

By 2018, the split was complete. The two groups had no remaining social or reproductive ties between them ... Then the hostilities began in earnest.

More than 24 apes have died so far as a result of the conflict, Mitani said. The true death toll is probably higher; given that there are so many chimps in a large area, some deaths go unrecorded.

'It’s an ongoing conflict,' he said.

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And the United Nations, as usual, is silent. Apparently, no Jewish chimps are participating in the war for the UN to condemn. 

Footage of the bloodshed has been captured from Uganda, but we chose a brief clip that is not too graphic. 

Huh. Seems like an average day in Congress. 

While a conflagration within the Ugandan chimpanzee community is a fascinating study for ethologists, news of this civil war provided everyone on X with a much-needed break from the human battles (political or military) that occupy so much of our days. 

Or did it? 

Oh, boy. If the CIA is sending in military advisors, we'd better be prepared for this war to escalate across Africa. 

It won't be long before the Asian macaques get drawn into the conflict. 

Good question. And, believe it or not, there is an answer. 

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Of course. So typical of USAID. 

We're sure that one alpha male chimp got most of the money and is funneling it back into Democrat campaigns. 

HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Perfect. 

And if Charlton Heston and Tarzan are not available, we all know there is only one man for the job of ending this war. 

Poor Marco. He will never be allowed to sleep again for the rest of his life. 

Another checkmark in the theory that everything started going to hell when Harambe shuffled off his mortal coil.

Is there anything The Simpsons DIDN'T predict?

Speaking of The Simpsons ... 

They'd better return home soon, or they're liable to find a broken Statue of Liberty on a beach somewhere. 

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Don't worry. Al Sharpton, Joy Reid, and Jemele Hill are already working on this theory. 

LOL. 

Hey, now that we think about it, where IS Kong to help bring peace among his brethren? 

It may require a wise orangutan like Dr. Zaius to quell the bloodshed. 

He's like the Henry Kissinger of primates. 

Nancy Pelosi and Ro Khanna have already tried to corner the banana market. 

Please -- PLEASE -- keep Lindsey Graham as far away from this situation as possible. 

See? Even Stanley Kubrick predicted the primate war to end all primate wars. 

We do share 96 to 99 percent of the same DNA after all. 

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Maybe we should send PETA to Africa to tell the warring chimpanzees that they're messing up the entire narrative. 

As long as someone promises to capture footage of how that works out. 

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