BREAKING: Summer is giving way to autumn. But you can rest easy knowing the New York Times is all over this one.

If only. The paper of record “reports“:

Now the days, often as not, are still summery, if more bearably so. The midday sun is not perceptibly lower in the sky.

But the sun has, somehow, gotten faster.

Somehow the sun sets faster. Because, like, molecules and stuff. Mysterious molecules.

As Ace notes, there’s a second scoop here: “frustrated wannabe novelists will often try debuting their schtick in alternate venues.”

Ooooh. Sorry, New York Times. Points off for mentioning bells without using the word “tintinnabulation.”

The author, Andy Jones, is tickled pink (or purple, as it were) with his Rick Klein-worthy prose poem.

The mockery was swift … as swift as the enigmatic September sun.

But could we be overlooking the gravity of this earth-shattering scoop?