Meanwhile, in San Francisco, they’ve begun a program that literally pays you not to shoot somebody:

It’s just a pilot program right now that’s paying 10 people who are “at high risk of shooting someone” $300 per month if they don’t shoot anybody:

Imagine being No. 11 on this list? SO CLOSE:

And how do they even check if you shot someone or not?

Anyway, we would like to get in on this action. Where can we sign up?