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Woman Gets Trapped in Quicksand, Unleashing Childhood Nightmares of Every Gen Xer

Twitchy

It's Sunday here at Twitchy, and you know what that means. We've had it about up to our necks with everything Clown World, from 'pride' month to pro-Hamas protesters to the non-stop gaslighting coming out of Washington and the media. So, here is a little bit of fun. 

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This one's mostly for the Gen Xers (and OK, you boomers too) who remember that one of the biggest fears of our childhood -- after nuclear annihilation, of course -- was getting trapped in quicksand. You couldn't even turn on a television in the 60s, 70s, or 80s without someone slowly sinking in a sandy quagmire. It haunted our nightmares like getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle did. 

And now it's ACTUALLY HAPPENING. 

Consider our PTSD triggered.

The story out of Maine was first reported by the Associated Press, which naturally, didn't include too many details in the headline. They just wanted to scare the bejeezus out of aging Gen Xers. 

Jamie Acord was walking at the water’s edge at Popham Beach State Park over the weekend when she sunk to her hips in a split second, letting out a stunned scream. She told her husband, 'I can’t get out!'

'I couldn’t feel the bottom,' she said. 'I couldn’t find my footing.'

Within seconds, her husband had pulled her from the sand trap, the sand filled in, and the stunned couple wondered: What just happened?

It turns out that quicksand, known as supersaturated sand, is a real thing around the world, even in Maine, far from the jungle locations where Hollywood has used it to add drama by ensnaring actors.

Thankfully, real life is not like in the movies.

People who are caught in supersaturated sand remain buoyant — people don’t sink in quicksand — allowing them to float and wriggle themselves to safety, said Jim Britt, spokesperson for the Maine Department of Agriculture, Conservation and Forestry.

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YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US THIS WHEN WE WERE 10 YEARS OLD, JIM BRITT. 

Just like when we hid under our desks to protect us from inbound nuclear missiles, we would practice lying flat on the grass to escape quicksand. 

We practiced that one a lot too. 

But don't worry, the AP being the AP, they found another aspect of this story to try to scare everyone with: 

In this case, climate change played a role in the episode at the state’s busiest state park beach, which draws more than 225,000 visitors each year, Britt said. A series of winter storms rerouted a river that pours into the ocean, softening the sand in area where beachgoers are more apt to walk, necessitating the placement warning signs by park staff, he said.

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Because OF COURSE it's 'climate change.'

LOL. Yeah, nobody's buying that, Mr. Government Spokesman. 

Don't worry. If you just pay more taxes, we can eliminate the scourge of quicksand in our lifetime. It's settled science, after all. 

Playing a lot of Atari growing up is helpful too. 

Every Gen Xer alive just heard this music in their heads. 

It's an 8-bit symphony to our ears. 

Hey, we didn't watch Gilligan's Island for nothing. We learned how to survive ANYTHING with that show. 

This is also true for lightning sand, as the Dread Pirate Roberts could have told you. 

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Don't forget all those spider eggs in packages of Bubble-Yum. 

HAHAHA. If you get that reference, this is why we love you, Twitchy readers. 

Come on. It was at least 70 to 80 percent. 

It was either quicksand or someone who wanted to sell us drugs. 

This is the most likely explanation. 

The good news is, as we learned from The Beastmaster, if you have a couple of ferrets on hand with whom you share a psychic bond, you never have to fear quicksand. 

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Gen X has been waiting for this moment our whole lives. 

Now, if we could just convince the 'olds' to retire and let us take over the reins of the world, we can protect humanity from the slow, sinking fate of deadly quicksand. 

Just don't ask us about The Neverending Story, OK? 

Like, not ever.

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