Eric Swalwell has announced, "I Came to Congress to do BIG Things.' We're unsure if that's good news for China or if we should clear a path to the bathroom. Maybe both?
Swalwell first took office in the House of Representatives in 2013. He is most known for a flatulent interview and suspicious ties to a Chinese spy. The extent of the latter was never proven, but it was enough to have him removed from the Intelligence Committee.
We can find no evidence of truth to the rumor that he is forbidden from eating Taco Bell at any time while Congress is in session.
Swalwell is weighing in on Nancy Mace's proposed resolution prohibiting men from using women's restrooms at the Capitol after the election of trans-identified Sarah McBride.
The last time Eric did something BIG in Congress.
Over a decade in office, and that is what he is best known for. That is the mark he has left on his office and, by the sound of it, his boxers.
One consistent aspect of Eric's time in Congress is his uncanny propensity to be on the wrong side of every issue; this is no exception. Eric is standing against a survivor of sexual assault who wants to feel safe in her private spaces.
The reality is no matter how noxious the emissions spontaneously released from the penetralia of Swalwell's bowels, the feculent thoughts that find their way out of his mouth produce the most stench.
We're not sure Eric possesses the self-awareness required to feel embarrassment.
We're sure Fang Fang was more interested in making sure she was using her own bathroom. She knew what he was capable of. We hope China gave her hazardous 'Dooty' pay.
Do you think she always kept a can of Febreze in her purse?
You know, for her safety in the bathroom.
That was undeniably BIG. Aside from Fang Fang, it's probably the biggest accomplishment of his political career.
Maybe Eric isn't trying to be insensitive or misogynistic. Perhaps he's just trying to protect McBride from having to follow him into the men's room on Chipolte Day.
We doubt it, but whatever the reason, Eric's bloviating is far more odiferous than his world-famous flatulating.
We wonder if his butt ever gets jealous of the crap that comes out of his mouth.
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