New York Jets wide receiver Kellen Winslow was arrested last November for possession of synthetic marijuana. According to the police report quoting a witness, Winslow was also doing something else in his vehicle:
Jets tight end masturbates in Target parking lots when he can't find Boston Market. http://t.co/Pg3r2crl3G
— SportsGrid (@SportsGrid) January 17, 2014
Vaseline, Boston Market, 'Mr. Happy': The Kellen Winslow allegedly masturbating in his car story has it all http://t.co/iI8NLmF8K9 #nyj
— New York Post Sports (@nypostsports) January 17, 2014
Other details from the police report, via NJ.com:
The cop noticed Winslow was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.” But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle.
Winslow allegedly told police he smoked the “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” at his home to relax because the NFL doesn’t drug test for it, and that he buys the stuff on the internet and at gas stations.
Winslow claims the masturbation allegation in the police report is false:
Update: Jets TE Kellen Winslow Jr. denies he was masturbating in Target parking lot before pot arrest http://t.co/NFVgViqTFs
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) January 17, 2014
In spite of Winslow’s denial, he has already been convicted in the court of Twitter mockery:
Kellen Winslow flagged for "illegal use of the hands" in a Boston Market parking lot.
— Matt Maher (@mattmaher14) January 17, 2014
Let he who hasn't been caught masturbating with Vaseline in a Target parking lot while looking for a Boston Market cast the first stone
— Michelle (@athleticone01) January 17, 2014
If Kellen Winslow offers to pick you up anything from Boston Market, we advise you to politely decline http://t.co/mJlYqHVpli
— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) January 17, 2014
https://twitter.com/MVroom_Vroom/status/424250793165094912
As eateries go, Kellen Winslow's Boston Market masturbation spot was fortunate… compared to anyplace that has some sort of "secret sauce."
— MFKaname (@kommykazy) January 17, 2014
Kellen Winslow Jr. smoked weed, drove around looking for a Boston Market, then jerked off in a Target parking lot. Man, Tom Brady is boring.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 17, 2014
Haha RT @Reflog_18: Kellen Winslow should have learned from Plaxico Burress not to discharge his weapon in his sweatpants.
— T.Bart (@tbartexpress) January 17, 2014
https://twitter.com/TheReelAnderson/status/424217728405090305
#KellenWinslow "No officer, I wasn't masturbating, just using it to point the way to Boston Market."
— Joshua B (@RocknRolla_11) January 17, 2014
It's pretty good not being Kellen Winslow today.
— PT (@PKThomahawk) January 17, 2014
When Kellen Winslow reaches for a handshake….. pic.twitter.com/KtFLKpFFtD
— Jayson Swain (@SwainEvent) January 17, 2014
https://twitter.com/JammieWF/status/424213096211558400
Parking lots: 2, Kellen Winslow: 0
— Joe Fortenbaugh (@JoeFortenbaugh) January 17, 2014
Winslow’s publicist claims he had just stopped to “change clothes”:
https://twitter.com/NFLonFOX/status/424250594803462145/
Yeah, changing at Target leaves me erect, too. RT @ProFootballTalk: Kellen Winslow: I was just changing clothes http://t.co/olNQtcZrRJ
— Steve Sykes (@DrAstroZoom) January 17, 2014
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