'Those dancers are spinning like Iranian centrifuges': Jim Geraghty live-tweets Sochi opening ceremony

Ve here in Russia experimented with Communism, but ve did not inhale. Khorosho, ve inhaled. A lot.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

In addition to "experimenting" with Communism, we trifled in totalitarianism, dabbled in oppression, fiddled with genocide…

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Ve always planned for only four rings, comrades.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

The fifth ring is the one our glorious leader Putin stole from your Robert Kraft.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Face it, Komrades, the Olympics are a lot more fun now that we're the villains again.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Don't think that ve don't hear you chuckling that ve are amateurs, Beijing.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Nyet, my Turkish friends, we did not steal your recipe for pides!

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

We are a beautiful country… that has done many ugly things.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

I salute you, American comrades, for reusing those all of those old quilts for your opening ceremony uniforms.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Latvia, vhy did you steal your uniforms from ze American Cleveland Browns?

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

The Netherlands uniforms, brought to you by Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cups.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

This marks the first time a long line of Germans marched in Russia to applause.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

We picked the best-looking Martian sign-woman for ourselves.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

See, Americans, we tried to appeal to you by having our athletes dress up like Santa Claus.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Ve are pleased to welcome to the opening ceremony our distinguished guest, Sauron.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Zis is, "Russian history as we want the world to think of it," resembling Mardi Gras in Candyland.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

If ze Cold War had come down to who had better stadium floor projection system, ve could have beaten you Americans.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

As all of you know, we Russians danced our way through our most turbulent times.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

And then, they all died.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Artistic depiction of mass slaughter and decades of brutality, after this commercial break, comrades!

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Communism? Well, it was mostly about farming and industry, really.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

South Korean team, how are you feeling about this tribute to the 1950s?

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Everyone hard at work, getting those missiles in Cuba.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

The late 50s, early 1960s Soviet Union was known for its dancing, bright pastel colors and electric guitar music.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

If anything marks Soviet life, it was the luxurious clothes, the rampant consumerism, the cheerful energy in the streets…

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

"A bittersweet moment as she lets go of that red balloon" (JIM BREAKS CHARACTER AND SPITTAKES)

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

The only "bittersweet note" about the end of the Soviet Union was the impact on Tom Clancy novels.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

See, he said the Olympic Games are never about erecting walls. So that explains the hotels.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

"Also, terrorists, please do not bomb anyone."

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

"And now, the ceremonial carpet-bombing of Chechnya."

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Each one of these glowing dancers represents a reactor core of Chernobyl.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Man, those dancers are spinning like a bunch of Iranian centrifuges.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

And you thought you were creative with your Christmas lights.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

Then the giant lighted figures become fully operational, tear off their wires, and advance towards Ukraine.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

And now, NBC stops showing us stuff to let us know that over the next two weeks, they'll be showing us stuff.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014

NBC: And now, several hours of commercials.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) February 8, 2014