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THE CANDIDATE WE NEED: David 'Iowahawk' Burge Declares He Is Running for President


Sometimes the right person emerges. When we needed a person to see us through the War for Independence and to serve as this new nation’s first president, Washington emerged. When Britain found itself fighting for its life against Nazi Germany, Churchill emerged. When our country was tearing itself apart over the slavery question, Lincoln emerged.


And now, in our troubled times, David ‘Iowahawk’ Burge has emerged.

He also has a bit of a potty mouth, as you can see.

But that’s because his passion for America is so impressive, man, that he can’t remember to keep his mouth clean. So, from here on, when there is a post on TSMSFKA Twitter (The Social Media Site Formerly Known As Twitter) with too many naughty words, we will simply cut and paste the text of the post here, with censorship, and you will have to trust us when we say he actually said it. Or look it up for yourself. We’re not your mother.

But don’t let his naughty, naughty words distract you. He is the man of our moment, as he explains in a long thread. For starters, there are his qualifications:

And then he gets potty-mouthed again:


-Will work at home from Zoom, White House now a tourist trap & gift shop

-No photo ops, in fact you will never know what I look like

-No Executive Orders ever

-Will veto every f—king bill that Congress sends me, get a 2/3 majority a———s

-Will cheerfully leave office after 4 years

And again:

Personality highlights demonstrating my man-of-the-people appeal:

-unlike teetotalers Trump and Biden, I drink like an Iowan

-I live for cars and girls

-and punting

-Atheist, but not an a———e about it

-Wife is cool, children aren't complete losers


Potty mouth words censored:

If you're ready to elect America's first completely anonymous, imaginary, and arguably sane president in November, I will appreciate your write-in vote If not, then f—k you

Why not join forces with him? We are reliably told he is a notary public.


‘But that was over a week ago,’ you might say, ‘how is it going now?’

Well, our erudite and handsome figment of our imagination, apparently he is all but measuring the drapes at the White House:

We can do this. Their ad campaigns clearly state ‘We have the meats.’ This represents an illegal claim that they are a monopoly in violation of our nation’s anti-trust laws, which presents a serious danger to our soldiers because who really wants a bunch of vegetarians defending this great country? So nationalizing Arby’s was the only option for a patriot.

Send us in, coach.

Our compassionate would-be president believes in helping mentally troubled women.


Seriously, what has Nebraska ever done for us?

The cut off text:

You travel to my secret yurt outside Coralville to report the traitors and find me walking in circles around the yurt in a loincloth, gibbering like a baboon, but otherwise unresponsive.

We will support you even then, Mr. Burge.

And lest you think this is all a joke, it even got the attention of Stephen Miller, who is described by Wikipedia as ‘as a senior advisor for policy and White House director of speechwriting to President Donald Trump.’ And this is what he had to say to him:

Clearly, Team Trump is scared of Team Burge.


Other reactions, mainly from little people who don’t matter:

But has he had a brain worm? Answer that!

Dang kangaroo humpers. Next, he will try to take this author’s job at Twitchy.

That would be the Sweet Meteor of Death, a popular write in candidate in 2016, and we would say this. SMOD promised to crash into this planet and destroy all human life, but has he delivered?


Sounds qualified.

Truer words have never been spoken.


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