THE CANDIDATE WE NEED: David 'Iowahawk' Burge Declares He Is Running for President

Sometimes the right person emerges. When we needed a person to see us through the War for Independence and to serve as this new nation’s first president, Washington emerged. When Britain found itself fighting for its life against Nazi Germany, Churchill emerged. When our country was tearing itself apart over the slavery question, Lincoln emerged.

And now, in our troubled times, David ‘Iowahawk’ Burge has emerged.

He also has a bit of a potty mouth, as you can see.

pic.twitter.com/55MiaIPA4L
— Jeff Gill (@Knapsack) June 28, 2024

But that’s because his passion for America is so impressive, man, that he can’t remember to keep his mouth clean. So, from here on, when there is a post on TSMSFKA Twitter (The Social Media Site Formerly Known As Twitter) with too many naughty words, we will simply cut and paste the text of the post here, with censorship, and you will have to trust us when we say he actually said it. Or look it up for yourself. We’re not your mother.

But don’t let his naughty, naughty words distract you. He is the man of our moment, as he explains in a long thread. For starters, there are his qualifications:

Qualifications:

-Natural born US citizen over the age of 35
-GED from Woodbury County Youth Correctional
-No felony convictions upheld on appeal
-knows/aware of/remembers things
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 28, 2024

And then he gets potty-mouthed again:

Platform:
-Will work at home from Zoom, White House now a tourist trap & gift shop
-No photo ops, in fact you will never know what I look like
-No Executive Orders ever
-Will veto every f—king bill that Congress sends me, get a 2/3 majority a———s
-Will cheerfully leave office after 4 years

And again:

Personality highlights demonstrating my man-of-the-people appeal:
-unlike teetotalers Trump and Biden, I drink like an Iowan
-I live for cars and girls
-and punting
-Atheist, but not an a———e about it
-Wife is cool, children aren't complete losers

*I live in Texas but I'm writing it off because it's an SEC state, and I've read all the nasty posts on Nextdoor about my cars up on blocks

**If it takes saying nice things about Nebraska to win, I prefer to lose. What profiteth a man to gain Nebraska and lose his own soul
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 28, 2024

My write-in race vs @3YearLetterman is going to come down to Big Ten vs SEC, and my narrow path to victory depends on California, Oregon, and Washington
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 28, 2024

‘But that was over a week ago,’ you might say, ‘how is it going now?’

Well, our erudite and handsome figment of our imagination, apparently he is all but measuring the drapes at the White House:

Loyalty Test One: I just finished an impromptu rogue interview with Alec Jones announcing I have nationalized Arby's, write the press briefing talking points defending my plan
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 2, 2024

We can do this. Their ad campaigns clearly state ‘We have the meats.’ This represents an illegal claim that they are a monopoly in violation of our nation’s anti-trust laws, which presents a serious danger to our soldiers because who really wants a bunch of vegetarians defending this great country? So nationalizing Arby’s was the only option for a patriot.

Do not delude yourselves into thinking this in any way involves free beer and hot rod joy rides, I need laser-focused men and women who are willing to utterly humiliate and degrade themselves 24/7 to defend whatever antics I am up to at the moment
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 2, 2024

Send us in, coach.

Loyalty Test Three: a video of leaks of me, in a Speedo, doing a Tik Tok dance with Brittany Spears on top of the Resolute Desk. Give me the damage control plan, STAT
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

Our compassionate would-be president believes in helping mentally troubled women.

Loyalty Test Four: during a diplomatic trip to China, I get drunk and sell the state of Nebraska to Xi for $137. It is now under Chinese military occupation. You've been subpoenaed to testify before Congress. Describe how you would defend, clam up, or throw yourself under a bus
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

Seriously, what has Nebraska ever done for us?

Look, I'm NOT going to jail my political opponents, only my disloyal political aides. The minute I hear one of my Palace Guard toadies is shopping a tell-all book or has sneaked a six pack into their barracks, they're in a hood on a chopper straight to Gitmo
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

Final Loyalty Test: I have not been seen in 12 weeks and my approval rating is at 7%. Factions have emerged among my staff and family in a West Wing a power struggle. You travel to my secret yurt outside Coralville to report the traitors and find me walking in circles around the…
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

The cut off text:

You travel to my secret yurt outside Coralville to report the traitors and find me walking in circles around the yurt in a loincloth, gibbering like a baboon, but otherwise unresponsive.

We will support you even then, Mr. Burge.

What I find funny is the number of people with different ideas of who I'm really talking about here. The answer is "yes"
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

And lest you think this is all a joke, it even got the attention of Stephen Miller, who is described by Wikipedia as ‘as a senior advisor for policy and White House director of speechwriting to President Donald Trump.’ And this is what he had to say to him:

You can't serve a third term.
— Stephen L. Miller (@redsteeze) June 28, 2024

Clearly, Team Trump is scared of Team Burge.

Other reactions, mainly from little people who don’t matter:

Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor (other than driving into a liquor store which is considered an accident for political purposes)?
— Smug Minion #87,612 (@Frankster1044) June 28, 2024

IOWAHAWKBLOG 2024: A Car In Every Liquor Store
— Jack Bauer After Dark (@JackBauerAD) June 28, 2024

pic.twitter.com/1RjOzHmne5
— nero (@n3ro) June 28, 2024

"Vote for me. I couldn't possibly be worse than these guys."
— Paine/Mizrey '24 (@TheMule1961) June 28, 2024

But has he had a brain worm? Answer that!

Third-farty candidate.
— John Lund (@AttilaTheLund) June 28, 2024

Done.
For VP... pic.twitter.com/xnWncCCCsP
— StanleyFosha (@stanleyfosha) June 28, 2024

We could do worse. And almost certainly will.
— Will Collier (@willcollier) June 28, 2024

I’m an Australian living in Australia. I can’t. Sorry.
Now if I was an Australian having illegally entered the USA through your southern border then point me to the ballot box. That’s how it works, right?
— David B (@bashhoops) June 28, 2024

Dang kangaroo humpers. Next, he will try to take this author’s job at Twitchy.

You'd be up against some stiff competition: SMOD.
— CLA (@ConservativeLA) June 28, 2024

That would be the Sweet Meteor of Death, a popular write in candidate in 2016, and we would say this. SMOD promised to crash into this planet and destroy all human life, but has he delivered?

“Surge For Burge” bumper stickers coming in Black and Yellow Iowa theme
— Jim Tomlinson 🇺🇸 (@jimetomlinson) June 28, 2024

I hope you realize you're not going to be a palace guard peon, you will be my Attorney General. As such you are entitled to drink with me, as long as you remain loyal and bring the booze
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2024

I nominate myself as head of DEA. I have fought on both sides of the drug war, from the US Coast Guard to manufacturing drugs illicitly. No one knows the situation better.
— Chris Nodima 🍄 (@chrisnodima) July 2, 2024

Sounds qualified.