Who among us doesn’t want to imagine a teenage Ochocinco playing with himself in a Walmart? At this point, it really doesn’t matter if he’s making it up, because it’s totally something he could have done. It just seems to … fit.

The real shame in all this is that no one’s yet invented brain condoms, because we could really use some right now. Chad’s tweets should come with penicillin. And his keyboard should probably be tested for STDs.

If there’s a silver lining at all, it’s that we’ve got an excuse to post this, because, well, condoms:

No word yet on whether Ochocinco prefers French Ticklers or Black Mambos. We’ll be sure and let you know if we hear anything.

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