In case you missed it, CNN hasn’t been faring too well in the Golden Age of Joe Biden:
Variety: CNN prime-time ratings crash 44% in first week of Biden era https://t.co/Z0Q8Fe6Bju pic.twitter.com/HNFNH8lHYh
— HotAir.com (@hotairblog) February 2, 2021
Well, shoot.
lol
cc:@SisterToldjah@JohnnyDollar01 pic.twitter.com/7AfrH7mxzX
— David Henry (I have zero interest in Parler) (@imau2fan) February 2, 2021
You hate to see it.
More from HotAir’s Ed Morrissey:
Fox News’ ratings have barely budged, although they had a bit of a drop last year. The interest lost looks somewhat more particularized, as though a great many people care a lot less about CNN and MSNBC analytical programming after the departure of Trump. Those networks dedicated themselves to counter-Trump programming for the last four years and profited handsomely off of it. Now they have to find a new raison d’etre that will inspire passion in the post-Trump era.
CNN to Trump: pic.twitter.com/4Jw5FKievG
— Doug Powers (@ThePowersThatBe) February 2, 2021
Pretty much.
But this is no time for schadenfreude, guys.
Except it totally is. And who better to make the most of it than Iowahawk?
Cable news networks in the post-Trump era are going to be like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in Whatever Happened To Baby Janehttps://t.co/qXbtBFO6UG
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
You don't think I remember anything, do you? There are a whole lot of things I remember. And you never paid for this house. Baby Jane Blitzer made the money that paid for this house, that's who! pic.twitter.com/ohCft9C4rH
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
EXT decrepit Victorian mansion on hill. Camera pans rusty cobwebbed gate with tarnished sign reading "Chyron Manor." Gate opens creakily, camera approaches up the driveway past abandoned antique satellite vans, to the mansion's single illuminated window.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
Dolly shot continues up porch stairs and through lace curtain window to…
INT Dusty mansion parlor strewn with Emmys, Newseum souvenirs, Nielsen charts, and wingback interview chairs. Above the mantle is a portrait of scowling obese man with strange hair and orange skin.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
In the parlor are 3 bickering spinster sisters, their faces grotesquely plastered with pancake makeup to cover the ravages of time. Once stars of the carnival circuit as members of Colonel Trump and His Trained Urchins, they now languish forgotten and destitute.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
Discovered by carnival barker Col. Trump as orphan girls selling matchsticks on Madison Avenue in 1916, they were propelled to fame and fortune as his on-command personal sideshow act. they are:
FOXY, CANINA, and MISS ENBICEE
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
Now, to be fair, as Morrissey points out, FOXY/FOXIE is actually in a pretty good position to weather the Biden administration well. But still. His basic points stands: Donald Trump effectively at the media at his mercy. He still does.
FLASHBACK DISSOLVE
EXT bustling Madison Ave street corner in 1916, filled with organ grinders and hucksters. Pan to 3 shivering ragamuffin girls. A hulking fat man passes by counting a wad of cash.CANINA: Hey mister, you need matches?
FOXIE: (punches Canina) I saw him first!— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
CANINA: (punching back) No, I saw him first!
FOXIE: Ow!Camera pans down to feral MISS ENBICEE gnawing on FOXIE'S leg. FOXIE eye-pokes CANINA, whose retaliatory kick misses and knocks ENBICEE in the rear.
COL. TRUMP: Girls, how would you like to be in show biz?
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
FLASHFORWARD DISSOLVE
INT Carnival tent, Ohio 1921ANNCR: Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Colonel Trump and his Amazing Trained Urchin Menagerie!
PAN Trump in cage wearing jodhpurs and pith helmet, cracking whip, shooting blank pistol. Gate opens releasing 3 sisters into cage
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
Ghostly limelight illuminates cage, as Col Trump cracks whip staving off the ferocious claws of CANINA and ENBICEE while patting obedient FOXIE on the head.
COL. TRUMP: (whipsnap) Fake news!
FOXIE: Fake news! (rolls over for belly pat)
COL. TRUMP: and now for the grand finale!— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
COL. TRUMP cracks whip and on command the 3 sisters begin attacking each other in a barrage of eye-pokes, hair-pulling, and biting, as COL TRUMP mugs and struts around the melee to the loud boos and cheers of the dimwitted audience rubes, who begin attacking one another.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
INT. post-show carnival wagon.
COL. TRUMP: nice show, girls. We packed 'em in again! Here's $100 for all of you.
CANINA: Oh boy, I'm going to buy me a nice dress for all my gentleman callers!
FOXIE: Forget it sister, I'm the pretty one!
ENBICEE: I'm going to the opium den!— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
FLASHFORWARD DISSOLVE
INT back to parlor of Chyron Manor, modern day 1964. FOXIE and CANINA viciously ramming their wheelchairs into each other, while opium-addled MISS ENBICEE bangs head against peeling wallpaper.— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
CANINA: (on candlestick phone) Hello? Ed Sullivan Show? How would you like to book the triumphant return of the Trained Urchin Children? Oh yes, we are all still alive, and ready to entertain the public again. Col. Trump? No I'm sorry he is no longer with us. Yes, I understand.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
*click*
CANINA: well girls, we still have a shot at that supermarket opening in Oxnard.
FOXIE: (throws fireplace tongs): We were big! And you ruined it! Ruined it! You killed Daddy!
CANINA: (ducks, throws Emmy) He's not our real Daddy! And you gave him rabies!
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
MISS ENBICEE: (stops banging head on wall) We had to kill him. Because we all gave birth to him.
ENBICEE knocks over kerosene lamp, igniting oriental rug, laughing maniacally as FOXIE and CANINA scream in terror.
EX: music swells as Chyron Manor is engulfed in flames.
THE END
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 2, 2021
How can you not love Iowahawk? If he didn’t hate journalists so much, we’d suggest he become one. We’d read the hell out of his reporting.
I look forward to Dave’s tweets
— Karl Marble (@karl_marble) February 2, 2021
They’re truly a light in the darkness.
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