Candy corn hate must STOP!
Although to be honest, this thread from @momofnorank describing a bag of Brachs Turkey Dinner + Apple Pie and Coffee candy corn won’t likely help people like candy corn. In fact, it’s sort of hilariously awful, but in a sort of wonderful and twisted way.
Take a look:
I bought a bag of this #brachsturkeydinnercandycorn a while back and have been saving them for #nationalspookymonth. I’m a #registereddietitian and this is my honest review as a nutrition professional. Ahem. 1/18 pic.twitter.com/HosFqhL0Px
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
From a nutrition professional y’all.
Listen up.
Here is an example specimen of each flavor. When you open the bag, you’ll smell only the coffee ones. This is a transparent and deliberate attempt to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t be a sucker. 2/18 pic.twitter.com/YG0ooagpH5
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
HA HA HA HA HA HA
Keep going.
First of all, there is a special place in hell for whoever decided to make 3 of the flavors so similar in color. 3/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
To be fair, we are seeing a lot of brown and tan … candy really shouldn’t be brown or tan unless chocolate is involved.
In a just world, this person would die alone surrounded by ugly pink floral wallpaper, after a lifetime of petty disappointments, with the sounds of a super fun and fashionable party absolutely everyone else was invited to drifting across the street. 4/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
*snort*
Top left is turkey and gravy. It is disturbingly, hauntingly like candied turkey. Wrong on every level. 5/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
What the Hell is candied turkey?
You know what? We don’t wanna know.
Top middle is stuffing. This one is an unrepentant violation of the Geneva Convention. Tastes like hate and sage. So much sage. It’s ironic, because you’ll need to burn sage to erase it from your psyche. 6/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Hate and sage.
Awful.
Top right is caramel apple pie. It’s fine. Most prominent flavor is caramel, with a surprisingly natural cinnamon background, and then a crisp finish with just a faint *whisper* of eau de artificial flavoring that once spent 15 minutes in a room with an apple pie… 7/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
It wouldn’t be candy corn without just a faint whisper of eau de artificial flavoring.
…scented #YankeeCandle. With the lid closed. 8/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Bottom left is allegedly cranberry sauce. What should have been a softball in the flavor development game instead offers nary a smidge of either cranberry or tartness. There is, however, the vaguest intimation of alkaloid bitterness. Best guess—Cotton candy cough drop? 9/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Gross.
Bottom middle is green beans. Friends, it is unforgivable. If you left a cup of green tea on the porch in bad weather for a week, during which time it attained sentience and promptly began plotting your demise, and you hate green tea, that’s what this tastes like. 10/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Annnd we’re dead.
So avoid the green bean ones.
There’s definitely some dirt in it, and…Is that a hint of dead leaf, or decomposing June beetle? You’ll have the stabbing pains of deep regret for company as you work that one out. 11/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Lastly, bottom right is coffee. It’s the best one, and it’s terrible. It’s what you hoped coffee would taste like when you were five. Alarmingly sweet, kind of butterscotchy? Its second cousin twice removed has heard of coffee. 12/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
The stuffing one is by far the worst flavor. It is appalling. Pepperidge Farms has apparently taken up training assassins. I’ve met voodoo dolls with less evil intent. The developer of this flavor deserves your disdain, and for that, I salute them. 13/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Voodoo dolls with less evil intent.
However, I think my personal pick for most offensive to #Thanksgiving food is the green bean. It’s not green bean casserole, btw, oh no. No umami here. Raw, unholy green in flavor as well as color, with a single, 1-note foghorn taste, like mowing the lawn with your mouth open. 14
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Yeah, definitely sounds like the green bean is the evil of all evils.
To paraphrase Douglas Adams, it is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike green beans. It’s what you might get if you described green beans to an alien who had been tasked with reproducing the flavor using only very inexpensive petroleum-based esters. 15/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Two gold stars for the Douglas Adams reference.
And you had never actually had green beans. 16/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
And also the alien hated its job. 17/18
— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
EL OH EL
Five stars.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Everyone should get a bag. Set them out in a nice, inviting bowl, and don’t say a word. 18/18— Mom of No Rank (@momofnorank) October 7, 2021
Because nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like a bunch of plastic candies that are all sorts of effed up.
Ha!
Loved this – truly, such a great thread to read when so much of what we look at is awful or angry or some other unpleasant feeler.
Huzzah.
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