We have covered a LOT of hashtags on Twitter, thousands of them likely. Some are great, some are not-so-great, some even backfire SPECTACULARLY, but every once in a while we come across one where most every tweet on the tag deserves to be included in the ‘best of’ article we write.
The #SecondCivilWarLetters tag is such a tag and seriously, we laughed out loud so much reading these tweets that we were officially grateful we are not working in a public place. Society doesn’t always look kindly on a crazy woman in headphones laughing hysterically at her monitor.
Just sayin’.
On that note, here are some of the best but trust us, there are far more than we could even include so GO read the tag!
#secondcivilwarletters
My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.
Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
David— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
Faithful and devoted BAE.
*dead*
All:
Our espresso machine is broken and our supply of Starbucks singles is running thin. Our avocado ration is cut in half and there's a 10-minute wait for a charging port. Sherman was right: War Is Hell.
Sent by my iPhone #secondcivilwarletters— chance (@pkrandall) July 3, 2018
Twitter is war, man.
Dad and Dad:
We tried to take over a tattoo parlor, but we hurt ourselves with the needles. We retreated to Whole Foods for essential oil treatment.#SecondCivilWarLetters— LLMajer (@LLMajer) July 3, 2018
My Darling,
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.Pray for us.#secondcivilwarletters
— Kelli Crackel (@KelliCrackel) July 3, 2018
Dearest:
I take pen to hand to write to tell you I am not well. We are bunkered down in Olive Garden with only breadsticks & house Chardonnay to sustain us. My heart is sorrowful, but my resolve is strong. No carbs. Not now. Not ever.
Your loyal wife#secondcivilwarletters
— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
My love,
The MAGA forces mounted a counter offensive and broke through our defenses at the mall. Their troops were overjoyed to capture the Chick-fil-A, which was followed by their great consternation when they realized it was Sunday. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Paul Green (@bigsexy_tote) July 3, 2018
Full disclosure, we laughed at this one.
Truth be told, both ‘sides’ seem to enjoy this tag … for once.
My dearest Clementine,
I write to you on the eve of our greatest peril. I fight not for myself, but for the right of all children to watch lady Ghostbusters.
Be safe my love, and please make sure our Whatsapp archives aren't backing up to the cloud. #secondcivilwarletters
— Bree (& ❄?) (@mostlybree) July 3, 2018
My Dear John,
The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Blount ? #WaveCastTN (@amandablount2) July 2, 2018
My dearest husband,
We are quartered at the beach for the night. The evening draws near as do the mosquitoes. I fear we are down to our last Citronella Yankee Candle, The uncertainty of using a Dollar Store substitute keeps us from sleep.
Pray, my dears.#secondcivilwarletters
— Patty (@suo_gan) July 3, 2018
Not the last Citronella candle!
Darling,
As night falls, we have set up camp in Walmart lot. Night raids of artisanal donuts and Soy Flat Whites sustain us as we weep in brotherly camaraderie at Queer Eye.
Pink Knit Hats await at sunrise. Thoughts & prayers.#secondcivilwarletters
— citybythelake (@citybythelake) July 3, 2018
My Dearest Mother,
I beg you to dispatch a bank draft to the Verizon store to settle my outstanding account.
This sudden loss of communications has me fearing that this, The Battle of Chipotle, might be my last stand.#secondcivilwarletters
— John Cardillo (@johncardillo) July 3, 2018
“Dearest Clementine,
The invasion of New York goes swimmingly. We have holed up in Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and taken Elmo as our prisoner. Later we plan to advance as far as Frozen The Broadway Musical. Keep us in your prayers.” #secondcivilwarletters
— Alex Konrad (@alexrkonrad) July 3, 2018
War IS Hell.
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