It's been a long week, Twitchy readers. In the words of Tony Stark, 'Like, Eugene O'Neill long.'
We've seen an open supporter of Islamic terrorism win a Democratic primary election in Michigan, an equally crazy Democrat candidate for governor in Wisconsin declaring that she hates Thanksgiving and pretty much all American holidays, and what can we say about the burrito wars? We lost many good men and women to the latest conservative slap fight, which, according to Thomas Massie, is somehow the fault of 'Da Jooooooos.'
As we often say, we wish we were making this all up.
If you're like us, you could use some lighter fare for the weekend.
Lighter fare such as, you know, scientists dooming mankind to frozen extinction to solve a problem that is billions of years away.
JUST IN: Scientist proposes moving Earth 20% farther from the Sun, using a particle beam powered by Jupiter — to avoid being swallowed by the Sun in 5 billion years.
— Polymarket (@Polymarket) August 6, 2026
We occasionally hesitate to cite Polymarket, which likes to make up anything it can and call it 'BREAKING NEWS.' But in this case, the story is at least somewhat true, albeit a theoretical proposal.
We chose an image of Professor Farnsworth as the header for this article because, believe it or not, this is the same plot as a Futurama episode (Season 4, Episode 8 — Crimes of the Hot). An episode that featured Al Gore endorsing a plan to shift the Earth away from the sun to solve 'global warming.'
Since we live beyond parody these days, apparently, what is good for an animated TV show is good enough for theoretical astrophysics.
I’m beginning to think Polymarket has become a parody account 🤦♂️
— Jeff I (@The_Gooseinator) August 6, 2026
That's what we thought at first, but several articles acknowledged that, unfortunately, the scientists are at it again.
In a study accepted for publication in the Journal of the British Interplanetary Society—with a preprint available on arXiv—[researcher Gabriel] Harry presented a comprehensive megascale engineering plan ... According to the researcher, without intervention, humans will be able to live on Earth for about another 1 billion years, but implementing his protective system could preserve the biosphere for an astonishing 9.1 billion years.
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Uh-oh. We've only got a billion years left?
Wow, AOC was REALLY off in her prediction of a decade ... nearly a decade ago.
What could possibly go wrong? https://t.co/hSxVYOvbpq
— Tim Sharp 🍊 🍊 🇺🇸 (@realtimsharp) August 6, 2026
To quote another popular work of fiction:
In this case, we're not even certain that they could, but we can be pretty sure that they will never stop to think about whether or not they should.
nietzsche spoke of this https://t.co/klkNkrposn pic.twitter.com/IQWAIeCkRR
— The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind - GotY Edition (@MorrowindGOTY) August 6, 2026
That must be from his seminal work, Beyond Good and SUPER Evil.
Johannes Kepler and Isaac Newton died leaving us these bums. We're cooked as a species pic.twitter.com/aEbPza1sFK
— Gennichirō (@jackcitymafia) August 6, 2026
No pun intended.
Ba-DUM-tsss.
Sure, lets just all freeze to death now, so we don't burn up in 5 billion years. Genius. pic.twitter.com/D2GizBc68D
— Iowegun (@iowegun) August 6, 2026
Someone doesn't seem to believe in the greater good.
The scientists: pic.twitter.com/BlCT3kZH56
— Only Gruel (@OnlyGruel) August 6, 2026
Compared to moving the Earth 20 percent farther away from the sun, stealing the moon seems like child's play.
The scientist in question pic.twitter.com/LyXwJcAHH8
— AzRepublican (@phusonAz) August 6, 2026
Impossible.
First, dogs are way too sensible for something like this. Secondly, most dog scientists are hard at work coming up with a way to prevent humans from breaking their treats in half and calling it a whole treat.
The scientist pic.twitter.com/hXAgSSz1U8
— Chris Mourtos (@cmourtoswrites) August 6, 2026
That makes a lot more sense.
But we all know that Monty Burns prefers blocking out the sun rather than moving the Earth.
The interdimensional beings terraforming earth for their comfort are at it again. https://t.co/l7rl0P6QA7
— Based Tyrone (@TyroneDJackson) August 6, 2026
That would explain SO much that's happening these days.
I want my flying car first pic.twitter.com/Iy5mZAWB8h
— Wesley M (@WesleyanMB) August 6, 2026
Right? Can we start with some baby steps? Like flying cars or maybe colonizing Mars as Elon Musk wants to do?
After all, if we can live on Mars, we might not even HAVE to move the Earth.
Let's potentially die today to save us from dying in 5 billion years... pic.twitter.com/QXJ07uyym0
— JonTrading (@JonTradesCrypto) August 6, 2026
Seeing as how humans have only existed on Earth for the blink of an eye in geological or astronomical terms, there's a solid chance we won't even be around in a billion years.
And it won't be 'global warming' that does us in.
5 billion years should be just enough time to get the permits
— Fugitive Sloth (@FugitiveSloth) August 6, 2026
HA!
Especially if they base this Project Hail Mary out of California.
Somehow my taxes will go up because of this. https://t.co/3r8aiscbKx
— Nick’s Dank Memes (@Nicksdankmemes3) August 6, 2026
LOL.
Again, keep Gavin Newsom far, FAR away from this idea.
Scientists need to be ridiculed and bullied until they cry and go live in caves & forests where they can no longer pester polite society. https://t.co/vqFwvkueBu
— the other guy (@crankyuncle2) August 6, 2026
Now, there's a proposal we wholeheartedly support.
And it's not even theoretical. We could make that happen in under a year if we wanted to.
I think we could all benefit from being swallowed by the Sun. Just sayin. https://t.co/mIDE20bejI
— Jake13th 🏴☠️ (@JakeThirteenth) August 7, 2026
Well, maybe not all of us.
Like another animated show, The Simpsons, maybe the best idea would be to pack these scientists into a spaceship (with Tom Arnold and Rosie O'Donnell, of course) and fire that rocket directly into the sun.
People of Earth propose moving scientists closer to the sun to avoid their stupidity pic.twitter.com/xfTTb5FBpS
— Dad Jokes (@djokes247) August 6, 2026
Everyone on Earth would be so much happier.
At least for the next one to five billion years or so.
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