Because CNN is “real news, Mr. President,” the network often covers the stories that other, lesser outlets are afraid to cover. Stories important to democracy. Stories that hold our leaders accountable. Stories that challenge our beliefs to the core. And, you know, stories like this one on what it’s like to “break your penis”:

Is that the same banana from the ads? Poor banana!

Now imagine this intro being read in CNN’s James Earl Jones voice:

What may be every man’s worst medical nightmare happened to 32-year-old Ross Asdourian.

“I think that all men in the depths of their brain know that this is possible. And I will go a step further and say that most men have probably had scares where maybe it bent a little bit, myself included,” Asdourian said.

We’ll spare you the details on how Asdourian actually broke it, but this next tidbit is way too good not to highlight…

The urologist who treated Asdourian was named … wait for it … Dr. Wang. No, not The Onion:

After the ambulance arrived, Asdourian was taken to Weill Cornell Medical Center, where he was quickly seen by a team of urologists.

“Dr. Wang, whose name is real, first performed a cystoscopy on me,” Asdourian said. “And the first big test was to see if I could pee in a jug — and I couldn’t. And if you can’t pee, then there’s a ticking time bomb on what they’re going to do.”

Thanks to Dr. Wang and a team of surgeons, this story has a happy ending turns out OK:

After four weeks of recovery, Asdourian was able to urinate on his own. After a few months, he had regained full sexual functioning, he said.

And we will never look CNN’s apple–banana ad campaign the same way ever again:

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