Over the weekend, the website Babe told the story of a woman named “Grace” who recounted her sexual assault at the hands of comedian Aziz Ansari. However, women can’t seem to agree on whether the worst night of Grace’s life really counts as assault.
Male Feminist Aziz Ansari Accused Of Sexual Assault https://t.co/I4gdfnIx6R @AmandaPresto pic.twitter.com/F4C5SC4lh3
— The Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) January 15, 2018
The Daily Wire’s Amanda Prestigiacomo wraps up what happened:
After Grace collected herself in the bathroom, she said the pressuring continued.
“He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable,” she told the magazine.
“It took a really long time for me to validate this as sexual assault,” said Grace. “I believe that I was taken advantage of by Aziz. I was not listened to and ignored. It was by far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had.”
"The account from Grace reads like an awkward sexual encounter with an entitled celebrity. It does not read like an account of sexual assault. …Maybe Ansari will learn that … wokeness might come full circle and devour you." –@AmandaPresto https://t.co/Rk305wFLVQ
— Stephen Herreid (@StephenHerreid) January 15, 2018
A few usually “woke” publications also published defenses of Ansari. At The Atlantic, under the headline “The Humiliation of Aziz Ansari,” Caitlin Flanagan argued that the Babe piece was nothing but “revenge porn.”
The allegations of sexual misconduct against @AzizAnsari amount to "3,000 words of revenge porn," @CaitlinPacific argueshttps://t.co/FV55XuBFaX pic.twitter.com/i0rf0Qhrv2
— The Atlantic (@TheAtlantic) January 15, 2018
Was Grace frozen, terrified, stuck? No. She tells us that she wanted something from Ansari and that she was trying to figure out how to get it. She wanted affection, kindness, attention. Perhaps she hoped to maybe even become the famous man’s girlfriend. He wasn’t interested. What she felt afterward—rejected yet another time, by yet another man—was regret. And what she and the writer who told her story created was 3,000 words of revenge porn.
And then there was a piece by Bari Weiss in The New York Times, headlined “Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader”:
This Aziz Ansari story is deeply irresponsible journalism.
— Bari Weiss (@bariweiss) January 14, 2018
I wrote about Aziz Ansari and why the story about him is so bad for the #MeToo movement. https://t.co/YINlat3OcI
— Bari Weiss (@bariweiss) January 16, 2018
Weiss writes:
If you are wondering what about this evening constituted the “worst night” of Grace’s life, or why it is being framed as a #MeToo story by a feminist website, you probably feel as confused as Mr. Ansari did the next day. “It was fun meeting you last night,” he texted.
“Last night might’ve been fun for you, but it wasn’t for me,” she responded. “You ignored clear nonverbal cues; you kept going with advances. You had to have noticed I was uncomfortable.” He replied with an apology.
Read Grace’s text message again.
Put in other words: I am angry that you weren’t able to read my mind.
So, is Ansari really getting a pass? Not entirely:
https://twitter.com/JessicaValenti/status/952568652066443264?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Etweet
So, people are being garbage bags in my mentions about the Aziz Ansari thing. Though they’re acting like it’s new garbage about “ambiguous consent” or whatever, it is in fact the same garbage we’ve always spilled around rape. To sum up:
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
1) “He didn’t attack her.” The story outlines clear physical coercion; repeatedly putting her hand on his crotch after she pulled away, keeping on with kissing and grabbing her after she stopped moving, grinding his dick on her after she said no to sex.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
2) “She could have said no.” She said “not tonight” and “I don’t want to feel forced” and many other synonyms for “no.” Most of us understand, by age 5, that if your mom says “maybe later” you won’t get what you’re asking for. Any socially competent adult understands those cues.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
3) “But why didn’t she leave?!” Because – and this is crucial – he kept telling her he was going to stop. He systematically paused right before she fully freaked out, made her feel safe again, then resumed assaulting her, at a greater level of assault each time.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
5) “But she could have hit him/screamed at him/run away.” Sure. To a beloved celebrity, of whose work she is a big fan, who’s made a name off being a safe, supportive ally for women. Let’s get YOU in a room with your favorite comedian and see if you can punch them in the face.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
Yes, boundaries can be hard to suss out, but that’s why feminists stress affirmative, vocal consent. If you’re not sure whether someone is into it, YOU CAN ASK THEM. You just have to believe what they say. That’s not what happened here.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
As @KateHarding has written, in NO OTHER CONTEXT do we expect adults to be incapable of understanding something like physically pulling away or saying “I don’t feel like it.” If you hug someone or talk to someone after they stop responding, you know it’s creepy. But sex?
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
The situation in the post is actually pretty clear cut. People claim to need “more explicit” refusals, but they really just want to find a way to blame an assault victim for being in the room with her assailant. It’s the same thing we always do, and it’s garbage.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
I know, I'm missing (4). So here's (4): Many women in the mentions are saying this story reminds them of their rapes. It reminds me of mine. If this many women are saying the behavior as described is traumatic, and you want to prove it was OK, consider what that says about you.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
ugh this aziz ansari stuff. a thread. ?
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
a lot of people are talking about how she should have "just said no”. for starters she did say no. she said it verbally (“next time”, “i don’t want to feel forced”) and with body language. for example, she took her hand off his penis literally FIVE TIMES. how is this not "no"?
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
there are so many indications that she was not cool with it, but all were ignored. and in sexual situations, especially with someone you might actually LIKE, an aggressive “NO” is difficult to do. we are all socialized to be polite — especially women. smile. nod. go with it.
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
which is why consent = verbal enthusiastic “yes!” rather than a lack of a “no”. successfully breaking someone down after repeated, unwanted advances is NOT a yes. there should be no doubts. if there is — communication is a must. including listening, which aziz clearly did not do.
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
it's also striking how many folks think this is normal. it shows how thoroughly whack our sexual scripts are. there's this belief that a normal sexual tryst might include pressuring a woman repeatedly despite being turned down. not hot. not ok. if someone says no, fking listen.
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
lastly, i’m REAL tired of “progressive dudes” (in this case a dude aziz WROTE A DAMN BOOK ABOUT DATING) doing the least. do. better. you don’t get to sport an “i’m against sexual assault” pin when you haven't reflected on coercive power dynamics in your own damn relationships.
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) January 14, 2018
If only there were an app for situations like this. Oh wait, there is …
New app creates legally binding consent contracts before you have sex https://t.co/hkciY9qvtV
— The Independent (@Independent) January 11, 2018
So, do The New York Times and The Atlantic have to turn in their “woke” credentials?
Editor’s note: This post has been updated with additional tweets.
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