Tuesday on “The Five,” host Greg Gutfeld ranted against tax day and, as a bonus, presented his theory of government.
“See, my theory of government is really simple,” said Gutfeld. “It’s all about the street. Government should keep things off the street – thugs, the insane, invading armies – and keep things on the street – like cement and lamp posts. Everything else, we can handle, which is why I’m bummed that 110 days of my salary goes directly into the mouth of a blob that turns my efforts into useless poop.”
Comedian Michael Ian Black likes a little more from his government.
@greggutfeld Off the street: Thugs, the insane, invading armies. What do we do with the thugs? How do we prevent more thuggery? The insane?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Do we devote resources to treatment? Education? Do we provide any help for the poor? Research and development? NASA?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Aid for the poor? Aid for the retired? Those left parentless? Basic science?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Arts? Trade between nations? Diplomatic efforts? Census? Do we monitor the air and water? Do we have any system in place for..
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Securities regulation? Any regulation? When you say "we" can do the rest, who is we? What is their motive?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Do we trust private industry to police themselves? I think your definition of government is "pretty simple," like you said, but
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld I question whether even you think it should be that simple.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
Well?
@michaelianblack i like my government like my panty lines. nonexistent.
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack I am including the police/prisons/crime prevention in this equation.
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack its smaller vs. bigger. inevitably i lose – it never stops growing. but i will always scream stop, even if its hopeless!
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack the more government intervenes (poverty programs; soc sec; adoption red tape), the worse it gets IMO. I like science too
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack safety nets where necessary; but that falls into my theory. I can't build a rocket. (although i should)
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld I know this is the standard libertarian line, but I question whether you really think we should get rid of all aid to people.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack you're right. i didn't say get rid of all aid! I wish to get rid of any government program that's made things worse
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld You didn't mention anything about safety nets in your theory, so I'm glad we agree there should be some.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Question is (and has always been) how much? So if that's the case, the real argument is not about the proper role of govt.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Because we fundamentally agree on most of govt's purpose (we being most of America, I think), but where the line is…
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Because the real question is about where to place the line, the true dichotomy between the right and left really is much more..
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack smaller vs.bigger. that's all. i established my ideal limits. It's not anarchy.
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
Speaking of ideal limits…
@michaelianblack i would like to see you imprisoned.
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack in my heart
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld About theater. Increasingly, it's theater of the absurd. So I know you were being kind of tongue in cheek in your segment
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld But the fact is, you presented an overly simplistic synopsis of a view you yourself don't really hold.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld Done ranting.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack it's always about my body with you
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld As for being imprisoned in your heart, take it and throw away the key. I'm yours.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
@michaelianblack you realize "my heart" is what i call my 1982 camper van I keep out in the woods. It has no bathroom.
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
@greggutfeld My mouth is all the bathroom you need, big boy.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 15, 2014
This looks like a good place to wrap things up, quickly.
@michaelianblack you win
— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) April 15, 2014
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