'DISBELIEF': Thread from a former Subway employee about a customer's sandwich that 'haunts their nightmares' funniest thing you'll read today

It’s so rare when we get to write about a thread that makes us laugh that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with politics, and that’s why we love this thread from a former Subway employee talking about the sandwich they made for a customer that haunts their nightmares.

Honestly, the sandwich they describe does sound quite terrifying … but the way they tell the story is freakin’ hilarious.

Our apologies for laughing at their pain.

While I worked at Subway in my early twenties, I made many… questionable sandwiches. But there is one I will never forget. I think about this sandwich at least once a week. It haunts my nightmares. I sincerely worry about the person who ordered it. 🧵

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

We worry about her too.

This early dinnertime shift (5-6pm), there were three of us working the line, all 20-somethings, because at the time all the "big adults" had quit or been fired. (Our store was run by kids for about a month.) A group of high school-aged kids came in.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

I served the second girl in the group. She wanted a footlong on white bread, cool. Double provolone and double American cheese, I can respect that. Does she want it toasted? No. Veggies? No. Sauce? Yes, ranch please.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

Here’s where it sort of goes off the rails.

Now I'm not denying people who have the tastebuds of a toddler the privilege of watching your sandwich come together before your very eyes behind a curved pane of glass covered with the fingerprints and sneezes of those who came before them. They deserve Subway too. However,

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

this girl wanted ranch dressing. So I put ranch (two lines) on her sandwich. "More please." I put two more lines of ranch on her sandwich. "More please." I put another two lines. Her: (visibly annoyed) "More than that." I am beginning to become concerned.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

That’s a lot of ranch.

You guys ain’t seen NOTHIN’ yet.

I add more. At this point the cheese, the only other thing on the bread, is nearly obscured. She's irritated now. "Just keep going." I stare at her, refillable squeeze bottle in hand. "You want… more than this?"

Her: "Yeah, I'll tell you when to stop."

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

I continue. I am in disbelief. After a few more passes with the bottle, the dressing is beginning to run off the sides of the bread. I look up at her. She does this motion pic.twitter.com/0L9HcrtAhK

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

HA HA HA HA HA

My soul exits my body as I continue to squirt ranch dressing onto her "sandwich." It's more of an open-face soup at this point. I look up at her, expecting her to tell me to stop. She doesn't. She wants more. Her friends are looking over like pic.twitter.com/X0LHqbWq6Y

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

I feel like that waiter in the cartoons who is never told "when" as he grates fresh parmesan onto someone's pasta. The plate is just a mound of grated cheese. The table is covered in cheese. The room fills with cheese. But my room is filled with ranch dressing.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

Not a great visual.

At. All.

Dear reader,

I ran out.

And she says, "Do you have another bottle?"

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

HOLY CRAP.

People with normal, human-style sandwiches are passing her in line. Her friends are already paying or sitting down.

I don't look at her anymore. I look at my manager, standing beside me.

He shrugs. We are broken people. "I guess use the other bottle."

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

We are a broken people.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I must have eventually satisfied her demands for ranch dressing. I weakly asked if she would like salt or pepper (no). I don't know how I wrapped that thing, I must have blacked out. I just remember how w e t it was.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

GROOOOOOOSS.

She paid for that monstrosity and then sat down and ate with her friends, seemingly without incident. I don't know how.

I will never understand how. If I think about it too long my mind will collapse in on itself, imagining the eldritch horror of The Worst Sandwich I Ever Made.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

I forgot to add she did this without a trace of irony on her face. She didn't crack a smile. She didn't laugh like, "I know this seems crazy." She was stone faced. Serious. Deadass.

— 🍒 Garlic (@pb_and_garlic) July 11, 2022

Evil sandwich … EVIL!