She’s not alone.
Sometimes real life is hard. You see, the nightmare-inducing Miley Cyrus reality just won’t end:
You know who else had lot of tweets about him? Hitler RT @MileyCyrus Smilers! My VMA performance had 306.000 tweets per minute.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 26, 2013
Sydney Leathers just texted Miley Cyrus, told her to "take it down a notch."
— jon gabriel (@exjon) August 27, 2013
Heh.
Twitter users needed an escape. For a change of pace and a way to try to end our long national nightmare, they had some fun with #thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies. First up, Iowahawk:
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies Matt Damon is employable
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies tornado vs Helen Hunt, and Helen Hunt is supposed to be the good guy
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies men enchanted by the beauty of Sarah Jessica Parker
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies George Thorogood getting paid for music
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies 8 year old children making 1995 pop culture wisecracks
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies trick variable-length bedsheets that only expose male chests
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies right wing college administrators
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies Evil villains build massive subterranean lairs with 500 henchmen without single visit from OSHA
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 28, 2013
Hilarious.
National Review’s Jonah Goldberg got in on the mocking action:
Morgan Freeman has indisputable moral authority. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
Small town kids are fantastic break dancers when the reverend finally lets them dance for the first time. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
No one notices that a high school girl is crazy hot until she lets down her hair and takes off her glasses. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
Street walking hookers have hearts of gold — and all their teeth. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
Corporations profit by poisoning their customers and have lavish budgets for hit men and wet-work teams. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
Keanu Reeves says something really smart. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
German Nazis have British accents and only speak a few phrases in German. #thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
@JonahNRO oddly enough it's the simplest words– Ja, Mein Herr. Otherwise their english is impeccable.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Or Irish beat cop RT @DostoevskyGhost Sean Connery, with a Scottish accent, is a Soviet submarine captain. #thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
Giggling madly! And then Ace of Spades took on the hashtag as only he can, with some help from fellow Twitter users:
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies a wife realizes her husband is cheating because there's lipstick on his collar
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Seriously. Does every movie mistress have some kind of facial tic that causes her head to loll about all willy-nilly? Or a strange collar fetish?
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies a guy's car gets stolen and he sorta ambles into the street and says "Hey that's my car!"
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies when detectives are stumped, going through old files in desperation, the third one is always a breakthrough
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Like:
What about Santucci?
–He's dead.
Fantuzzi?
–in prison.
What about Salvatore Grangia?
–whoa… didn't the witness mention a "Sal"?— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
@AceofSpadesHQ vegetables sticking out of the top of grocery bags. #thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies
— American Journalists Publish Chinese Propaganda (@JohnEkdahl) August 27, 2013
@JohnEkdahl and one loaf of bread. Celery + bread are big in movies. I guess they all make stuffing every night.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
It’s Thanksgiving every day!
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies when someone has audibly hung up a phone people keep saying "hello? hello?" into an obviously-dead line
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
they do that for like five minutes. Like they've never used a phone before and think the disconnected signal means "Be right with you"
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Dial tone immediately kicks in after other party hangs up phone. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahDispatch) August 27, 2013
@JonahNRO maybe if I tap down on the rocker a bunch of times it will make the line re-engage
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies if anyone's at the 5th floor or higher, someone is going out a window. This doesn't really happen in real life
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
or at least not with such "someone's DEFINITELY going out that window!" regularity.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
no hero every punches the villain until he's just AT the window, but not through it. No, they always deliver that last punch.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies the bad guys always let the heroes live, but the second the GOOD guy has the bad guy by the window, OUT YOU GO
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
just watching movies you'd think that Villains really respect the value of human life and that Heroes kind of like to murder people
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
@AceofSpadesHQ
1. Walks away from building
2. Big ass explosion from building
3. Doesn't look.#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies— Arthur Kimes (@ComradeArthur) August 27, 2013
Bond: Okay Goldfinger, now you die.
Goldfinger: Dude, I let you live like eight times.
B: Out the window, fattie.
G: You're such a dick.— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies TV shows and movies do not exist in serious movies; but they often exist in comedies.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies Exception: French films and woody allen dramas where movies EXIST TO DEATH
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies Your best friend either dies halfway through or is else revealed to have been The Villain All Along
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies when you're about to make it with a chick, she actually unbuckles your belt for you #doesnthappen #Iwish
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
@AceofSpadesHQ sometimes she tries and then says, "I can't do it, it's all backwards from my perspective, could you…?" that the best-case.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies You win back your Dream Guy when you give a humiliating Confession Speech before a large audience of strangers
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies People on first dates have Indian or Mexican food. #rookiemistake
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Oh dear.
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies the girl is commitment-phobic and just won't get close. The guy is ready for the Fairy Tale.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
No but seriously in Rom-Coms it's a standard trick to have the male and female character switch their usual roles in respect to that.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Looks like Ace will need to teach Hollywood producers the facts of life like he did Amanda Marcotte!
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies You can learn an entire semester of material (that you blew off) in one montage of a Tears for Fears song
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
furthermore, most of this "Study" actually consists of laughing with your love interest and playing pranks on your uptight roommate
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies The roads are clear enough to have a car chase in LA.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
And Ace ends with a snort-worthy kicker:
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies Whoopie Goldberg
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
Ha!
But wait … there’s more!
#ThingsThatOnlyHappenInTheMovies this whole movie fits the hash tag pic.twitter.com/vLsDM0hCZM
— #BruddahTim (@timbo_laya91) August 28, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies you wake up from a coma and channing tatum's your husband
— crapulet (@fieryboobs) August 28, 2013
https://twitter.com/liars_never_win/status/372531420540841984
https://twitter.com/liars_never_win/status/372531875517980672
https://twitter.com/redsteeze/status/372492256865189888
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies Wichita, a city of 400,000, is shown as a giant farm field.
— The Real Matt Finn (@mdrache) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies Meg Ryan sleeps with Billy Crystal.
— The Real Matt Finn (@mdrache) August 27, 2013
On cocktail napkins. RT @bdomenech: Elizabeth Shue invents cold fusion. #thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies
— American Journalists Publish Chinese Propaganda (@JohnEkdahl) August 27, 2013
@JohnEkdahl @bdomenech …which she keeps in her bra, with her breasts.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 27, 2013
#thingsthatonlyhappeninmovies Men only show pain from rubbing alcohol on a cotton swab/rag touching their tiny cuts.
— Carlton Hinds (@methuselaschild) August 27, 2013
And for the win:
Liberal policies that work. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Hair (@SHannitysHair) August 27, 2013
Fantasy, indeed!
Related:
‘Know why men like boobs?’ Ace teaches Amanda Marcotte the facts of life with hilarious results
Full Twitchy coverage of Ace of Spades
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