We’d never heard of him, but apparently Matthew Goldin is a 23-year-old bisexual writer for “Saturday Night Live.” Oh, and he’s apparently also a big proponent of wearing masks outside. Woe unto anyone who fails to heed his warning:
I'm sorry, but if I see you walking on the sidewalk without a mask, I WILL bitchslap you.
The more of us who stay home, the faster this will all be over.
Oh, and if you ARE selfishly going out to bars and restaurants? For Chrissake have the decency to tip your servers.
— Matthew Goldin (@matthewgoldin) April 12, 2022
Once more, with feeling!
Uh-oh … all you outdoor breathers had better watch your backs!
Where do you live? I'll walk past.
— Insolent Puppy (@Insolent_Puppy) April 13, 2022
Don’t tempt him. Matthew’s a scary dude. With fists of steel, we bet.
You will NOT like my response https://t.co/HPA7wjScie
— Fusilli Spock (@awstar11) April 13, 2022
Don’t worry. He’ll never get a chance to see or hear your response. Because Matthew Goldin is not going to b*tchslap anyone.
No you won't, unless you like having no teeth
— Physics Geek (@physicsgeek) April 13, 2022
Whether or not Matthew likes his teeth, he’s not going to lay a hand on anyone. He wouldn’t dare, because he knows that at the end of the day, he’s just another tough-talking wimp who hides behind a Twitter account.
Haha…okay, chief. pic.twitter.com/M0Yr45ur82
— Walt (@windowtothewalt) April 13, 2022
If Matthew Goldin is actually a writer at SNL, his tweet is probably the funniest SNL-related thing we’ve seen in recent memory. Can’t you just picture him sitting inside his apartment, face pressed up against the window, quietly daring the people on the sidewalks below to look up at him with their maskless faces so he can give them the finger and make the knife-cut-across-the-throat gesture? That would actually make a pretty great SNL sketch in its own right.
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SNL not being funny is completely understandable when you realize they have writers like this. https://t.co/iyYbNwgk5A
— Jen DinNJ (@JenDinnj) April 13, 2022
It all makes sense now.
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that you’ve never actually been in a physical altercation in your life. But hey Matt, I look forward to you regaling us with how your unprovoked attacks on non-mask wears turns out for you. Keep it up buddy, you’re doing great 🤷🏻♀️ pic.twitter.com/jtGKS8PSnC
— Terrence Maddoux (@Jrizzell) April 13, 2022
It is April 12, 2022 and you still think this will be "over" by staying home.
And you keep your hands to yourself, you little bitch.
— Jay (@OneFineJay) April 13, 2022
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