Editor’s note: The following Twitchy story contains satire.
Former President Joe Biden has written a memoir. Sure you did, Joe. It’s titled ‘Promise Me, America (That You’ll Buy My Book).’ Apparently, the tome was co-written by Otto Penn. His most well-known work is a series of 80 etiquette how-to flyers titled ‘Pardon Me.’ Penn has a Degree in Commutations. We’re sure that was just a press release typo that should have read ‘Communications.’ The upcoming authorized version of the book will center on Biden’s recent four years in office. However, Twitchy has been given a quasi-exclusive look at chapters that didn’t make the book, plus some behind-the-scenes details unknown to the public.
But first, here’s Biden’s promo for the official release. (WATCH)
I’ve written a book about my time as President. It’s called PROMISE ME, AMERICA. It’s coming out November 17th and is available for preorder now. https://t.co/uMINr9efxS@littlebrown pic.twitter.com/yzWfZyD31A
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) July 15, 2026
November 17 is a Tuesday. We assumed the book would be released on a Slursday.
The book was initially written as a full biography. These unused chapters reveal much more about the former President. A preview chapter was released to Twitchy, which details Biden’s tenure as Vice President under President Barack Obama. It’s riveting to say the least. Somehow it was leaked to this account on X.
This book is going to rule. pic.twitter.com/1rF0adj7Vk
— Jarvis (@jarvis_best) July 15, 2026
I'll wait for the audio version read by Joe Biden himself. It will be like he's reading it for the first time all over again & again & again. 😆 pic.twitter.com/7QMHqgDm2V
— Joe Nada (@JoedeNada) July 15, 2026
We’re told the shelved audiobook was going to use AI technology to decipher many of Biden’s famous words and sayings such as ‘fghheerrtrrrtdsa,’ and ‘werdyyyylifdhhtyfpffftttttt,’ and who can forget ‘zzzzzzzzzzzzz jillllll zzzzzzzz yip.’ Our former President spoke with such eloquence.
An entire scrapped chapter featured several recollections of the time younger Joe spent at the pool with Cornpop. Just thinking of it is enough to make the hairs on one’s leg stand up! (WATCH BOTH)
WATCH: Joe Biden Tells Story of Facing Down Razor-Wielding Gang Leader Named 'Corn Pop' https://t.co/SUfjb2xaFC pic.twitter.com/nrTayoJCMz
— Tommy Christopher (@tommyxtopher) September 14, 2019
Recommended
Full, unedited quote from Joe Biden:
— Gain of Fauci (@DschlopesIsBack) March 20, 2023
"And by the way, you know I sit on the stand and it'd get hot. I got a lot of... I got hairy legs that turn... that tha tha that that turn ugh uh uhm blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down… pic.twitter.com/KXW5SNs66K
(post continues) ...so it was straight and then watch the hair mm come come back up again... they'd look at it.
So I learned about roaches and I learned about kids jumping on my lap...And I've loved kids jumping on my lap"
We bet you did, Joe!
We're just learning that a few copies of the initial draft of Biden’s book were mistakenly mailed out to reviewers last month. These featured working titles and temporary artwork. Have a look.
Joe Biden has a new book out. pic.twitter.com/0tGxXHYZDH
— Andrew Wilkow (@WilkowMajority) July 15, 2026
I received my pre-order of Biden’s new book! pic.twitter.com/rezugHefRb
— Gain of Fauci (@DschlopesIsBack) July 16, 2026
We love a mystery!
Apparently, the publisher had envisioned the book being interactive, but plans were scrapped. We’ll explain why after the pic.
Has anyone read Joe Biden's new book yet?
— 🇺🇸Mighty Magnet🇺🇸 (@TheMightyMagnet) July 16, 2026
Bet it's a popup book! 🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/vpYS0NGMzV
😂😂😂😂 or a scratch and SNIFF
— God-zilla is king, MAGA, Trump Vance 2024 (@curtiss_bernth) July 16, 2026
An insider has told us that the Hunter Biden section of the pop-book was considered too graphic. One test reader even suffered an eye injury.
The publisher removed the Hunter Biden chapter with plans to replace it with a family-friendly ‘Uncle Joe’s Favorite Ice Creams’ coloring section - personally tested by Joe Biden himself! Another Twitchy quasi-exclusive! (WATCH)
Video has leaked of Joe Biden writing his much anticipated memoir. pic.twitter.com/6g39SelOx6
— Kentucky Girl (@Notwokenow) July 15, 2026
I see where Hunter got his artistic skills.
— Caledonian Skies (@wilson_hugh) July 15, 2026
Like Hunter Biden’s amazing artwork, we’re sure copies of Joe Biden’s real book will appreciate in monetary value and be cherished forever.