It’s Juneteenth, and we’re not sure how you’re celebrating, other than reading Twitchy. The Root’s Michael Harriot kicks off his “Caucasians’ Guide to Celebrating Juneteenth” by telling whites that it’s not “like y’all celebrate Mexican Independence Day on May 5 by donning sombreros and taking shots of American tequila.**” Um, May 5th isn’t Mexican Independence Day. The asterisks point to a note, though: “Cinco de Mayo is not Mexico’s birthday.” Well, at least he got that right.

So, The Root has given white people tips to “help colonizer Americans resist the urge to gentrify this celebration.” For one, don’t call the police. “Just for this one day, don’t be afraid when a Black person is cooking out in the park or walking around existing.” OK, what else? “Don’t ask a Black person for anything on Juneteenth.” Why? “Leading the Juneteenth celebration at work is not part of Keisha in accounting’s job description. Plus, it’s kinda racist.”

The final commandment: Thou shalt not steal. ”

“This includes labor, land, wealth, elections, opportunity, education, due process under the law, the right to not be murdered by police officers, voting rights … I’m just saying, try something new.”

Got it?

It’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, kind of? But not really. At least there was one note for Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer: “Don’t disrespect Juneteenth by wearing kente cloth or cornrows.”