2020 long-shot Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intentions to run for president on “The Late Show,” while the much more viable Beto O’Rourke is being coy and keeping a blog of his solo road trip. Who else has announced? Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, Julian Castro, and maybe some others have announced as well and we missed it. Still waiting on John Kasich, Jay Inslee, Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden and a bunch more.
We seem to be getting a lot of “soft launches,” but Comfortably Smug is here to remind Democrats what a campaign launch is supposed to look like, damn it.
Why are these Dems going on Colbert or blogging or going to the dentist to announce they're running?
The blueprint for a winning campaign rollout has already been put on display.
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) January 18, 2019
Step 1: Throw your candidate's undead carcass in the back of a van and peel out of the parking lot, making journos chase after you pic.twitter.com/apk7sVQSeI
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) January 18, 2019
Remember, Hillary called it her “Scooby van?” Good times.
Step 2: Stop at a Chipotle where "Average Human Voters" dine dressed like you're in a witness protection program pic.twitter.com/UhyB4U2XTp
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) January 18, 2019
Hold a tightly controlled focus group/coffee meeting with "Average Human Voters" to show humans they can trust you and relate to you as you drink a beverage they enjoy. pic.twitter.com/xKJcZApwUV
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) January 18, 2019
That should do it. As long as your party rigs the primary for you, it should be pretty much clear sailing to the white house from here.
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) January 18, 2019
Recommended
Or …
Write your announcement on an orange and roll it down the aisle… pic.twitter.com/XGzJnGvjSL
— Kyle Style Podcast (@KStylePodcast) January 18, 2019
Follow up by writing a book that so successful, you have to do book signings at Costco. Because, you know, volume business.
— Darrell Pitzer (@d_pitz) January 18, 2019
LMAO ? ? this thread is amazing
— Aron??? (@frum_federalist) January 18, 2019
You forgot the hot sauce and just chillin in cedar rapids
— Ariel? (@Belle_Vivant) January 18, 2019
Drop the most generic culinary appropriation to show the minorities, "you're just like them" pic.twitter.com/QMhhOlt2I4
— Gianbattista (@dw2415) January 18, 2019
You're running my campaign. It's been decided.
— John Thorsson (@thorsson_john) January 18, 2019
Can’t wait to watch Kamala Harris live stream herself playing Fortnite on periscope
— Zee Nagioff (@ZeeNagioff) January 18, 2019
Can’t wait for Beto to do a sick grind on his skateboard down an escalator at the mall.
— Tim (@Timmyjonjones) January 18, 2019
The copycats will come out soon. Kasich on an escalator. Sanders on an airport people mover. Clinton gingerly descending from a curb to the street with only one person helping.
— Kyle Beckley (@Kyle_Beckley) January 18, 2019
Yup. Amazing that none of them has done the #escalator yet.
— FederalFarmer (@TheNthEstate) January 18, 2019
— Jason (@jasonhsv) January 18, 2019
We really want to see Joe Biden skydive into the Democratic National Convention or something.
Related:
'Just chilling in Cedar Rapids’: Hillary Clinton sends Snapchat video and it's awful http://t.co/zQUFM3g28W
— Twitchy Team (@TwitchyTeam) July 20, 2015