Amazon on Thursday revealed its short list of cities in the running to house Amazon’s new headquarters, narrowing the field to just 20.
Today we are announcing the communities that will proceed to the next step in the HQ2 process. Getting from 238 to 20 was very tough – all the proposals showed tremendous enthusiasm and creativity https://t.co/x1bFYbk4Ui pic.twitter.com/J2x0HHzBTR
— Amazon News (@amazonnews) January 18, 2018
What’s the chance that your city will be chosen as the home of Amazon HQ2? Fortunately, David Burge, aka Iowahawk, handicapped the top 20 and shared the odds online.
Atlanta
Pros: access to megachurches, pro & college sports, unlimited willingness to whore itself out
Cons: lack of building space due to 50 new taxpayer sports stadiums
Odds: 4-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Austin
Pros: access to beards, Barvarian-Korean taco trucks, insipid singer-songwriters
Cons: Elderly Maoist city council will vote to nationalize Amazon for the proletariat
Odds: 4-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Boston
Pros: major universities, Bellichek, the beautiful melliflouous Boston accent
Cons: major university grads can neither drive or lift more than 40 pounds
Odds: 10-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Chicago
Pros: beautiful mid September to late mid September weather, deathbed-level desperation
Cons: Building costs 5x national average due to bribery and kevlar
Odds: 20-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Columbus OH
Pros: The Excitement City of central Ohio; chance to meet Big Nut and dot the "i" at the Horseshoe
Cons: Will have to change name to Aazon
Odds: 40-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Dallas
Pros: central location, palatial high school football stadiums, most Chili's and Applebee's per capita in the world
Cons: local oil family dynasties full of conniving murderers
Odds: 19-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Denver
Pros: microbrews, weed, snow sports
Cons: drunk/high employees keep smashing into trees
Odds: 30-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Indianapolis
Pros: chance to watch high school basketball and cars go round and round
Cons: Overshadowed by Indiana's glamour city, Fort Wayne
Odds: 50-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Los Angeles
Pros: weather, chic Hollywood celebrity rapists, vibrant hordes of roving schizophrenic garbage pickers
Cons: eventual apocalyptic destruction by wrathful biblical god
Odds 100-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Miami
Pros: U of Miami's prestigious School of Tanning, exciting nightlife with lummoxes from New Jersey in rental Lambos
Cons: 87% of Floridians die from humorous causes
Odds 100-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Montgomery County MD
Pros: chance to share cul-de-sac with Assistant Undersecretary for Mohair Price Supports
Cons: If DC is Hollywood For Ugly People, this is Encino For Ugly People
Odds: 250-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Newark
Pros: tax package includes 3 free murders per employee clause; Chris Christie now available for motivational speeches
Cons: for God’s sake I only have 280 characters here
Odds: 200-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Nashville
Pros: bargain basement Austin
Cons: lured by the bright lights of Music City, Amazon tragically dies face down in the back seat of a Cadillac, clutching a gun and bottle of whiskey in a rhinestone suit
Odds: 20-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
New York
Pros: Spider-Man the Musical, go-getting Stalinist mayor willing to kill any groundhogs or illegal cigarette vendors in Amazon’s way
Cons: lack of affordable heating grates
Odds: 40-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Northern Virginia
Pros: friendly neighborhoods of CIA spooks always willing to lend you cyanide or strangling wire
Cons: no market for Alexa as all homes are already bugged
Odds: 20-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Philadelphia
Pros: birthplace of American government, American Bandstand, city of brotherly love
Cons: constant contusions from battery-laced snowballs thrown by angry drunks
Odds: 25-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Pittsburgh
Pros: access to Carnegie-Mellon’s secret Invincible Self-Aware Flying Deathbot laboratory
Cons: Amazon engineers begin moonlighting as flash dancers
Odds: 15-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Raleigh
Pros: cheap smokes, moonshine, nearby universities with topnotch douchebag basketball programs
Cons: Folksy local sheriff won't fire nervous trigger-happy deputy
Odds: 20-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Toronto
Pros: Tim Horton's, poutine, 10% longer football fields, constant entertainment from Prime Minister Zoolander
Cons: lack of professional hockey team
Odds: 12-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
Washington DC
Pros: vast hordes of slimy corrupt weasels willing to use the power of the state to crush any obstacles to Amazon's corporate mission
Cons: for a $500 campaign donation
Odds: 10-1— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
One final thought:
First city to let Amazon snort cocaine off its ass wins
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 18, 2018
This thread wins Twitter.@iowahawkblog should copyright this thread. https://t.co/87Llx7sJCw
— AgainstTrumpDude (@TheAmishDude) January 18, 2018
This is GOLD https://t.co/lLaHWJHCcU
— Jason Marianna (@jwmarianna) January 18, 2018
This thread is the funniest thing you will read on the Twitter machine today. Maybe one of the funniest things of all time on here. https://t.co/VPdSglDqKE
— MarkMizzou ???♂️??? (@MMS5833) January 18, 2018
The single funniest thread on Twitter right now. @iowahawkblog is a national treasure. https://t.co/xwpnr559fD
— Travis Ficklin (@eltrav42) January 18, 2018
This thread is PURE GOLD. https://t.co/1N6vjUtTpw
— Jesse Harris (@elforesto) January 18, 2018
Sound analysis. https://t.co/C2Wzjb5bpS
— Grumpy Wombat (@jwebbstevens) January 18, 2018
https://twitter.com/MattVTyler/status/954046914223329280
Related:
‘Damn. That’s GOOD’! Iowahawk totally NAILS IT with this take on media’s ‘Gorilla Channel’ idiocy