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Frigid Foresight: NBC News Provides Invaluable Information About Keeping Food Fresh

Grateful Calvin
Grateful Calvin  |  8:05 AM on September 24, 2026


As the legacy media cries and runs to Mommy (a.k.a., U.S. District Court judges) to stop the Big Bad Orange Man from revoking their White House press passes, they have been sure to remind America how lost we would be without their essential coverage of the important issues that matter.

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For instance, on The View — which, we will remind readers, ABC classifies as a "bona fide" news program — they're complaining that Patrick Clancy did not stay married to his murderous wife, and Sunny Hostin is bragging about letting psycho killer cannibals off the hook. 

No, seriously. Watch: 

Umm ... yikes? 

This is the point where everyone should know to keep their children far away from any of the harpies on The View. 

Meanwhile, NBC News has been sure to remind any killer cannibals in their audience (and we're terrified to think of how many those may be in number) that you can keep those chopped-up body parts fresh with one simple trick. 

Quick! Someone call Pulitzer! 

Next up from NBC: how shutting windows might help prevent indoor drafts. 

Even better, to provide this vital information to Americans, NBC had to bring in a team of — you guessed it — "experts."

I spoke with two food safety experts about how long your food actually stays safe once the power fails, the signs it’s time to throw something out, and the simple steps that can help save your perishables the next time your power goes down.

First, to state the obvious, you don’t have to worry about non-perishable food in your pantry. When the power goes out, you really only need to think about perishable stuff in your fridge and freezer. 

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Whew! Thank God that NBC's Commerce Editor, Bethany Heitman, didn't waste anyone's time by "stating the obvious." 

Everyone will be happy to know that this article is part of NBC's new hard-hitting journalisming series called "The Internet Made Me Ask." 

Again, no. We are not joking:

With all the content available online these days, it can be hard to figure out what’s real and what’s hype. While we don’t always have the answers, we have a direct line to people who do — which is why we present to you our series The Internet Made Me Ask, where we have experts break down the truth about some of the buzziest trends on our timelines, like how often you should watch your jeans.

Finally! 

We had always assumed that you should wash them when they got dirty, but what do we know? We're not "experts."

Forget Pulitzer. Someone's going to get a Lifetime Achievement Award at the next WHCA nerd prom. 

Where, oh where, would we all be without the journos? 

Probably eating rotten food and leaving doors wide open, willy-nilly, all over the country. 

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Perhaps NBC is being a little too erudite with this consumer advisory, though. 

They might need to step back and tell everyone about even more basic refrigeration steps. 

Whoa! Hang on, now! 

Better not do anything rash until NBC consults with an "expert." 

For instance, how would one handle the carbon footprint dilemma caused by having a plugged-in refrigerator? 

These are all solid topics for the next article in NBC's crucial investigative series. 

This is the best way to show that mean old President how critical NBC News is to our national discourse. 

It reminds us of the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie's old man talks about what he looks for in his news coverage: 

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See? The Parkers knew to keep their kitchen refrigerator closed. 

Thanks to NBC. 

We should all be grateful to Commerce editor Heitman for knowing how to discern hard news from shameful slop. 

LOL. Oops. 

Come on, man! That science is "settled." All experts agree.

HA! 

We can only hope that Community Note gets stapled to NBC's post on X. 

And ... BOOM!

Of course, we all know that NBC News will not report about that common-sense tactic. 

They're too busy consulting more experts to they can remind America that "diversity is our strength" and no illegal immigrants commit violent crimes. 

But we can't wait for NBC's next homage to Edward R. Murrow when they assemble a team of scientists to settle the biggest question facing America today: 

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When you close the refrigerator door, does the light really turn off? 

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