No really, this is a serious opinion piece in an ostensibly serious newspaper by a serious writer.
After Trump’s capture of Venezuela’s Maduro, does Doug Ford need to watch his back?https://t.co/RlON5sWZz3
— Toronto Star (@TorontoStar) January 6, 2026
The article features such bangers as:
Coles Notes: the world is hereby sliced into spheres of influence and America can do whatever it wants in the Western hemisphere. That includes Canada. The United States is the suzerain and all other countries in proximity are vassal states. Trump wants Venezuela’s oil, Cuba’s cigars, Brazil’s coffee, Mexico’s bananas … it’s bananas.
And:
And we need to stand on guard for thee.
All the eyerolls.
On Monday, in the aftermath of Operation Absolute Resolve in Venezuela, Ford told reporters he wasn’t concerned about Trump’s previous threats to turn our great country into America’s 51st state: “It’s not going to frighten me.”
That's because Ford is not a journalist.
But should it? Should we all be frightened after this weekend? Maduro was captured in a military assault that took less time than it takes to make lasagna from scratch. Trump has abandoned his dream of getting the Nobel Peace Prize.
No, you silly bint. Trump loves to troll the professionally outraged and the fainting-couch types. We do love home-made lasagna, though.
Holy batshit 🤡🌍 pic.twitter.com/hhFRpzkfYM
— SpIcEz (@MrSpIcEz) January 7, 2026
This is the author, by the way. We hope you are entertained as we are!
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you little freezer commies really think you’re the main characters, eh?
— Bit Paine ⚡️ (@BitPaine) January 7, 2026
Included because 'little freezer commies' makes us laugh.
Canadians always gooning to the possibility of Americans giving enough of a shit to do something to them and they would choose Doug Ford....why???
— Jennifer D'aww (@GMShivers) January 7, 2026
(insert 'Mad Men' I don't think of you at all meme here)
Give it a rest with this anti-US fanfiction.
— Just One Strawman (@JustOneStrawman) January 7, 2026
It's 'Notice Me Kid' syndrome. Do you think Canada is some family's middle child?
Are you trying to compete with the Babylon Bee?
— Ron S. Friedman (@RonSFriedman) January 7, 2026
Sensible Canadians (of which there are many) saw it for what it was too.
From another Democrat. https://t.co/9lWbCLqHC0
— Unacceptable Fringe Angie 🇨🇦🇮🇱 🍎 (@AngieGreyhound) January 7, 2026
Forget it. Do you think a person who wrote that can be reasoned with?
— Blue State Snooze (@BlueSnoozeBlue) January 7, 2026
A little gloating seems in order.
US military kidnapping Doug Ford in the middle of the night but instead of Nike tech fleece he’s wearing fruit of the loom underwear and an orange Life is Good t-shirt https://t.co/H5JqyWGAMR
— Alex (@DailyPizzaGuy) January 7, 2026
OK, your terms are acceptable.
That would be a much simpler operation. No carrier battle group, no cyberwarfare shutdown, no 150 aircraft deafening Toronto and fast-lining our best nasties onto the roof of some high-rise. Just a trail of crack cocaine rocks leading to a cage trap with a naked hooker in it. https://t.co/B0GX2Uprl2
— Desmond Quinn (@Punk_Rock_Yogi) January 7, 2026
The suggestions just keep getting more ... interesting.
Some deep geopolitical insight from the Stars "Pop Culture reporter".
— Brad Zubyk (@Bzubyk) January 7, 2026
Could Canadian media be any more embarrassing? https://t.co/hcL9Cxisvx
And like a delicious street kebab purchased on Yonge Street, that's a wrap!