We have written about some long-a*s threads but this one may well top the list. Luckily, it’s also one of the best threads we’ve written about … maybe ever. Oilfield Rando was good enough to go through the COVID relief bill and pull out the more ridiculous parts of it …
When you’re done reading this thread you may well need a stiff drink.
Take a look:
https://t.co/cbZopHR0ax pic.twitter.com/prR4oFHhBZ
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Go cram the Washington Monument up your asses, Congress. pic.twitter.com/ggV7WjOv3f
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
What he said.
Making it rain on the bureaucrats right out of the gate, with $47,000,000 for "Processing, researching, and marketing".
Public engagement, support services, miscellaneous supplies and expenses….this is the administrative state pigs flooding their trough pic.twitter.com/q2cZevC8tK
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Reminder, Americans who will actually receive assistance (and that’s not all of us) will get a whopping $600.
Keep going.
$24,192,000 for the Office of the Chief Economist.
What do these guys even do? Always fun learning about government offices you didn't even know existed. pic.twitter.com/GnVVf6lCsq
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
And they wonder why we say government is too damn big.
$9,629,000 for the Office of Budget and Program Analysis, which is amazing considering the government hasn't had a budget in like a decade pic.twitter.com/YwTHdJPQW1
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Nearly $10 million for an office focused on budgeting is sadly ironic.
The Assistant Secretary for Civil Rights gets almost a cool million, with $22.8 million to blow through.
This is what your grievance studies can get you if your parents have the right friends in DC. pic.twitter.com/AtIuRG7OQM
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$4.2 million for the Office Of Ethics, which is f**king hilarious considering you won't find an ounce of them in that entire town.
$809,000 for the "Under Secretary for Research, Education, and Economics"?
Why do vague bureaucrats get this much of our money? pic.twitter.com/IMUw6lGcA1
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Reminder, Americans are getting $600.
Another $809,000 for another Under Secretary, the one for "Marketing and Regulatory Programs".
Again, who the hell are these people? pic.twitter.com/nVCHbf2do2
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
FFS.
Small business are going to hell but rest assured that the screwworm program will still get its $5,000,000,000 pic.twitter.com/Z80VWqgfRJ
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Recommended
Dafuq?
Another $809,000 for the under Secretary for Food, Nutrition, and Consumer Services. They're expected to pay one other person out of that. Bureaucrats got it made. pic.twitter.com/PqxDNzqktL
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Seriously.
While Americans get $600 of THEIR OWN MONEY BACK.
The Office of Codex Alimentarius? These bitches work in the Hogwarts office? Anyways, $4.8 mil for the wizards pic.twitter.com/XYNmuBfkMA
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Stumbled across my first green energy scam handout. Why are tax dollars used like this? pic.twitter.com/XuHNBQ2vWq
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Because orange man bad?
Nope, wait, that doesn’t work anymore.
$5,000,000 for a pilot program to give a regional consortium sewer system contracts, which has the appropriate buzzwords attached to make it legit. "Historically impoverished communities" pic.twitter.com/DaxiR0LAk4
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
All the eye-rolls.
Another $10,000,000 to push renewables in rural communities. Hope you're ready for solar farms to pop up in cow pastures that can power a coffee pot or two. pic.twitter.com/NNOlIliKS9
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$3,000,000 to fight the cogongrass. $600 to fight your prolonged mandated unemployment. pic.twitter.com/m6sjLTvnqn
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
What a bunch of jackas*es.
NOAA needs $1.5 billion for new toys over the next 3 years. Must be nice. pic.twitter.com/XScBrGKekF
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Must be.
$65 million to restore salmon populations. $600 to restore your stolen livelihood. pic.twitter.com/QyoWpoRZMQ
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Why do you think they had to put this in here? pic.twitter.com/2C5Uf0LNJi
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Yikes.
$208,000,000 to upgrade the Census Bureau's computer systems. LOL. pic.twitter.com/l5iE07gklL
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
If we don’t laugh we will never stop throwing up.
ASHANTI GOT HER OWN ALERT NETWORK WUUUUUUUT pic.twitter.com/L6NIVJqvnR
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
I'm not even on page 200 and first beer is toast
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$35,000,000 for bodycams, $AAXN stock going to the MOOOOOON!!!!! pic.twitter.com/cPrQ15KIIT
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Wtf is the Commission on the Social Status of Black Men and Boys? pic.twitter.com/g4fVzCgFIO
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Don’t ask.
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
I guess Repubs had to put this in because last time Biden was in the White House, his boss decided it would be wise to trade a bunch of terrorists for a deserter pic.twitter.com/W1tK5CCDmI
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Guess so.
Are you in the Syria vicinity and would like access to $710,000,000 worth of US military weapons and training?
Here's all we need from you: pic.twitter.com/EZfZWgi5SA
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Respect for human rights and the rule of law.
Who are these people?!
$750,000,000 for Fossil Energy Research Development? Who gets this? API? pic.twitter.com/eXRcIfo6zh
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
What exactly are Naval Oil Shale Reserve Activities? pic.twitter.com/rwOzY6Pj0q
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
LOL wonder if Nikola got anything out of the "Advanced Technology Vehicles Manufacturing Loan Program".
The US government is the perfect idiot investor for that one. pic.twitter.com/86trrAlkfu
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$222,724,000 to update the IRS's "business systems".
You know, the IRS that said they were too poor to investigate super-wealthy offenders, and that's why they focused on investigating the middle class. pic.twitter.com/dkfKz9zgDi
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
The IRS struggles with returns but you better not be late with your taxes.
Metaphor Alert: DC needs $8,000,000 from the Feds because it's literally overflowing with human shit pic.twitter.com/9lv620DaB4
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
FFS.
$135,500,000 for one federal courthouse.
We will be condemned to federal penitentiaries in only the FINEST PALACES IN THE LAND!!!!! pic.twitter.com/qvJqHaTShZ
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Didn't see $94.5 million for the federal courthouse in Tennessee, I am deceased pic.twitter.com/x3qcnwFvF1
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Five former Presidents will get $4,400,000.
You got $600. pic.twitter.com/0eqFNizYkU
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Unbelievable.
I need a quick shower I suddenly feel disgusting
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
Welp reckon we'll go back to buying all our IT stuff from China, what could go wrong? pic.twitter.com/sWRhTJPAjG
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
The restrictions on employee training are kind of interesting. Seems like a sneaky ban on Critical Race Theory, no? Good ammo for federal employees who want to get rid of it. pic.twitter.com/IP7lWRqmRh
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
"Oh sweet they're gonna stop spying on us"
*reads exceptions*
"Lol jk" pic.twitter.com/SLDYuEgfzL
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
THIS IS BULLSHIT, LET OUR OLYMPIANS DOPE!! pic.twitter.com/THpJwkk1JR
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
If the Feds are going to use our tax dollars to feed news stories to their pet journalists, they have to add a disclaimer. Big win, @GOP! pic.twitter.com/VCnHm8Gsm4
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
In exchange for their $600 windfall, taxpayers will be providing the Federal Record Centers Program with a $50,000,000 bailout to "offset the loss of user charges" due to the pandemic.
How exactly did that work? Are these record requests only done in person? pic.twitter.com/4TuKNoMOgg
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$2,000,000 for DHS snitches. Your boy Rando bout to head to the border to do recon on illegals! pic.twitter.com/pPNELu2W1A
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
*blinks* pic.twitter.com/CPjihRiqfi
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
We got nothin’.
$21,125,000 in grants to preserve Civil Rights Movement Sites seems………excessive pic.twitter.com/CDRPGdxpbu
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
WHOOOA GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT JUPITER AND SATURN THAT'S FREAKING BADASS
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Damn. $150,812,000 for the offshore O&G regulators. Thas a lot. pic.twitter.com/BHwPwkL0q0
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
$129 million for the Navajo Irrigation Project. Damn. pic.twitter.com/WmxVNLm2XI
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 21, 2020
The EPA is getting $33.7 million for new or improved facilities.
Sorry you're about to lose your house, here's $600 pic.twitter.com/ccghst9tKd
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Seems fair.
$59.5 million for grants for the "Water Infrastructure Finance and Innovation Program".
So if you strap a laptop to a water pipeline or something, you can probably get $10 million in taxpayer funding pic.twitter.com/kB9V2ZinTe
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Legit.
$10.8 million for the Institute Of American Indian And Alaska Native Culture And Arts Development Institute. pic.twitter.com/WXqwB7IZug
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
$818,192,000 for the Smithsonian pic.twitter.com/FHBIEy2cP2
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
LOL $153,242,000 for National Gallery of Art salaries and expenses, another $23.2 mil for facilities.
DC has absolutely no skin in the game, not an ounce. pic.twitter.com/lJr8FcdHPP
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Nope. None of them have gone without in any way.
Kennedy Center funding:
$26,400,000 for operations/maintenance
$14,000,000 for upgradesCan't have our elites going to black tie balls in a shithole, now can we? pic.twitter.com/IP3KyCXl1a
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Wonder if they’ll fire more musicians.
National Endowment for the Arts: $167,500,000
National Endowment for Humanities: $167,500,000
Commission of Fine Arts (7 members): $3,240,000
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: $7,400,000Our cultural betters are extremely well compensated…..by us. pic.twitter.com/ry2sRL7976
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Never forget, it’s your money they’re spending.
Guys I haven’t even gotten to page 1000
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
I'm down with this. Community colleges have some incredible technical programs hidden behind a jungle of useless ones. pic.twitter.com/Wyz9ims4F6
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
There's a reason Joe Manchin is still in the Senate despite his state turning redder than the devil's dick.
The dude delivers real cash money to his state, his whole career. pic.twitter.com/1Fpp06ZgWx
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Record American unemployment, and the ones who still have a job will be paying $93,896,000 for migrant farmworker programs.
I see you, Chamber of Commerce. pic.twitter.com/0nKjGKDPDE
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
This is a good thing. Few unions will get paid off, but lots of folks will get quality job training pic.twitter.com/jUp7La4S6l
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Wow, had no idea there was a Black Lung Disability Trust Fund pic.twitter.com/PPNrbqAQRU
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
$251,018,000 for Howard University. 6,500 students. $29,000 tuition. pic.twitter.com/EkWca0ouGy
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Cripes.
$4,203,000 for salaries/expenses for the House Joint Committee on taxation. Too perfect. pic.twitter.com/IlD88aoMQq
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
That there is more irony.
Gonna go back to this $98,000,000 expense for the Capitol Power Plant every time they increase energy costs for us peasants over the next four years pic.twitter.com/J6D1TZCKah
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Sorry you're struggling so much this year, but the Capital City needs $20,986,000 for their botanical garden and $24,751,000 for their visitor center.
May the odds be ever in your favor. pic.twitter.com/RpD2o09WR6
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Good luck with that $600 – you can get a new Playstation 5!
LOL imagine having these priorities right now. pic.twitter.com/Lju3YTaD9G
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
See you, Nancy.
An extra $5,000,000 to make sure politicians have immediate access to COVID care and testing. *whistles Hunger Games tune* pic.twitter.com/lECp3JzZce
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Wow.
Wtf is the Millennium Challenge Corporation and why do they get a billion dollars? pic.twitter.com/btAHQm8EiW
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
$33 million for technical assistance seems a little steep but wtf do I know pic.twitter.com/iAQgB5HFTG
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Hey remember that time the @GOP was going to get rid of the Export Import bank but now they just keep throwing $100 million at it every now and then?
Good times. pic.twitter.com/e12XaidL8U
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Still there?
We TOLD you, it’s long.
FYI I've switched to vodka. I'm also missing the Bachelorette for this.
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Us too.
GOOD THING THIS BILL SLAP FULL OF KLEPTOCRACY INCLUDES SOME ANTI-KLEPTOCRACY FUNDING FOR FOREIGN COUNTRIES pic.twitter.com/0Rt210EebG
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Well, on the bright side, we can't fund the PLO. Unless, of course, the incoming President says we can. pic.twitter.com/ynYUar6OM5
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
$15,000,000 in scholarships…….for Egyptians, in Egypt. The education racket is international! pic.twitter.com/app1a02drB
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
An additional $55 million for HHS. I'd be cool with them using a piece for demolishing that awful f**king statue out front of their building. pic.twitter.com/2cSx94ltgm
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
$81,880,000,000 for the Dept of Education. Wowza. That is absolutely bonkers pic.twitter.com/eKsykfrpEJ
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
ANOTHER $20,000,000 for Howard university, in addition to the aforementioned $251,000,000 pic.twitter.com/6YpNuFqjRS
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Blah blah tax stuff, blah blah PPP loans, will let the 80 bajillion other people tweeting about those handle it
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Hundreds of pages devoted to wifi for minority communities.
This does not seem like coronavirus relief. Like at all. pic.twitter.com/eHLhSZJIdc
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
It seems like DC is using COVID for a massive broadband program. pic.twitter.com/NMA9J350bK
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Alright I'm gonna go watch the Bachelorette. Might finish the last 2000 pages tonight, might tomorrow. Depends on my vodka intake
— Oilfield Rando (@Oilfield_Rando) December 22, 2020
Note, he did continue BUT this editor is tapping out.
What a total and complete sh*t-show this ‘relief’ bill is.
Wow.
***
Related:
Join the conversation as a VIP Member