On Monday, Madame Meggie fantasized about how the media would portray her if she followed in the footsteps of groundbreaking scientists like Marie Curie. Because, like, that scenario is totes plausible. After all, McCain has been working toward discovering the cure for cancer since her gestation.
Meghan McCain talking about *herself*? WHAT?! What is it, World Turned Upside Down Day?!!? http://t.co/TyANDZ5kZ3
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
Curie’s contributions to medical science were, of course, eclipsed by headlines about her muffin top and cankles. So if Meggie cured cancer (hahahaha — deep breath — hahahaha), she figures the real story would be her body.
https://twitter.com/MeghanMcCain/status/361941513086836736
Paging Ace of Spades: We could use some (slightly jiggly) belly laughs from “Guy Who Could Stand a Go on the Treadmill.”
You know if *I* cured cancer the headline would still be "Blogger cures cancer; Meghan McCain still has more media bookings"
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
You know what another big headline would probably be? "Guy with no medical training or skills whatsoever somehow cures cancer"
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
That would probably be the headline before they got into my body type.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
so the 3 headlines, in descending order, would be:
1 Cancer Cured
2 Apparently by Magic
3 By Guy Who Could Stand a Go on the Treadmill
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
Recommended
I can see the headline now:
CANCER CURED
SAVIOR OF MILLIONS LACKS SIX-PACK ABS
See, this is why I don't even bother.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
There's really just one major roadblock to curing cancer: body shaming
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
@FloggerBarb SOMETIMES MUMBLES
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
she probably already HAS the cure and she's holding it back out of spite @mikespillane
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
so, this is how medicine works, I guess:
DOCTOR: You're dying. But a genius female scientist just created a cure.
PATIENT: Is she chunky?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DOCTOR: I don't see how that's relevant. You'll be dead in a week.
PATIENT: No fat chicks, doc. No fat chicks.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DOCTOR: She won't even be present. It's an injection.
PATIENT: I'll wait for the Kate Upton version of the cure, thank you very much.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
the six w's in Medical Science reporting: Who, What, Where, When, Why, Weight/Body Mass Index
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
at the Nobel Prize Cmtee:
CHAIR: What about her? She cured cancer.
MEMBER (looking at pic): ehnn… she really doesn't… "Do It" for me?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
CHAIR: For god's sake, she cured cancer.
MEMBER: I know, I know, not denying that… just… I like a longer neck, you know?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
CHAIR: Absurd. She cured cancer, she gets the Prize.
MEMBER: Ehh.. I dunno. Let me ask this: Has Anne Hathaway cured anything this year?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
back to the doctor:
DR: You have no choice. You're dying.
PATIENT: Give it to me straight, doc– how a big a gal we talkin' about?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT.: What are my odds if I hold out?
DR: Hold out for what?
PAT.: A hotter cure.
DR: What's a "hotter cure"?
PAT.: LIke with "vavoom."
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DR: This cure has vavoom. It will save your life.
PAT.: Sure, "great personality." I'm sure it's a very funny cure. But I want the hot cure
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT.: So tell me, doc. What are my chances?
DR.: Your chances? None. None are your chances.
PAT.: Hm… that's lower than I was hoping.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT.: What if I quit smoking?
DR: You don't smoke.
PAT.: I could start. Okay, let me ask this: Would my friends have to know?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DR: Would your friends know? No. Just don't tell them anything.
PAT.: True… But *I*'d know. Could you hit me over the head really hard?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DR: I don't hit patients!
PAT: Rufies then. Doc, slip me a rufie.
DR: NO!
PAT: So we're playin' hardball, huh? I see your game now.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT: Tell me this: Can the cure get away with a bikini?
DR: No it can't. It's *liquid.* It comes in a beaker.
PAT: Like thin beaker, or..?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DR: What?!
PAT: Like you know, does the beaker "keep it tight," or you know… (puffs out jowls) Like kinda squat?
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
DR: It's a perfectly standard beaker.
PAT: So, like a "five"? Doc I'm gonna need at least an 8. Work with me here.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT: Okay let me ask this: Would *you* do the cure?
DR: If I were dying? Of course!
PAT: But only if you were dying, huh? Interesting.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
PAT: OK doc, I'm convinced.
DR: Finally!
PAT: Let me drink a beer or 9 and let's get this Big Fat Sloppy Ol' Beaker ready for some curin'
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
Okay and that's it. I just had to get those Beaker jokes in.
— Ursus, Director of Weather and Banana Programming (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 30, 2013
And we thank you for that, Ace.