This afternoon, Al Franken held a press conference to address allegations that he groped multiple women. That’s when he announced that, in the wake of his shameful conduct, he would be resigning from the Senate, effective immediately.

Oh, wait. No he didn’t. He basically said he doesn’t remember doing anything really wrong and he’s not going anywhere.

But he’s gonna be more sensitive now:

Hey, he can’t help it if women misinterpreted his groping them. What’s important is that he’s going to stay put so he can continue to advance women’s causes.

He just knows he doesn’t meet those requirements.

What a guy. So committed to making this country the best it can be.

It does, doesn’t it? But he’s a busy man, and there’s no time for speculation:

Put another way:

This. Effing. Guy.