Now that The New York Times has exposed Marco Rubio’s checkered past, which features four — count ’em, four! — traffic citations since 1997, it’s only natural to wonder: What other terrible crimes has Rubio committed?

As it turns out, the list is huge:

So, so awesome. And it gets even better:

Oh, they are. Don’t worry:

But this is work!

And it’s magically delicious:

For. The. Win.

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