Don't want your child to be suspended? Just abide by these #LiberalSchoolPolicies

#LiberalSchoolPolicies You may only fold paper in pre-approved patterns… 'L' shapes are unacceptable.

— Shifty33 μολὼν λαβέ (@Shifty331) March 4, 2013

A seven-year-old Baltimore student named Josh Welch was recently suspended for making “an inappropriate gesture.”

This is one of the stupidest things I have ever read in my entire life: http://t.co/WXXbN6B0Af #dlrs

— Dana Loesch (@DLoesch) March 4, 2013

Inappropriate, indeed! Welch was busted for — brace yourselves — biting his Pop-Tart in such a way as to cause it to resemble a gun. The horror!

Welch said his teacher got it completely wrong, “It was already a rectangle and I just kept on biting it and tore off the top, and it kind of looked like a gun but it wasn’t.”

Welch said he was trying to shape the Pop-Tart into a mountain.

Assault Pop-Tarts! That little boy really should have known better. If only there were a list of liberal policies we could refer to in order to keep pesky kids in line and prevent another callous child from violating schools’ delicate sensibilities.

Thankfully, giving conservatives are stepping up to the plate:

https://twitter.com/912gauge/status/308693538714038272

https://twitter.com/Shaughn_A/status/308694233605341185

https://twitter.com/erikjordison/status/308703592901124097

https://twitter.com/Imaumbn/status/308694979881091072

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#LiberalSchoolPolicies Teach that terrorists are really freedom fighters.

— D (@WhosTheWiser) March 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/JHsu320/status/308700706288857088

#LiberalSchoolPolicies
2 + 2 equals whatever we say it does#tcot

— Victor Nikki?? (@HapkidoBigDad) March 4, 2013

#LiberalSchoolPolicies

Shop class is now called "You didn't build that sh!t"

— 4th-Party Pol (@PointlessPol) March 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/JLThorpe/status/308701036590276609

#LiberalSchoolPolicies You automatically have a grade reduction for being white or male #BecauseFairness

— Artist_Angie: Sensei of Sarcasm (@Artist_Angie) March 4, 2013

#LiberalSchoolPolicies nurses are unable to administer any medicine sent from home, but morning after pills & weed are available no ?s asked

— 4th-Party Pol (@PointlessPol) March 4, 2013

https://twitter.com/Shaughn_A/status/308694233605341185

https://twitter.com/TheDemorat/status/308704463164674049

For the children! Always.