Jezebel, a member of the illustrious Gawker network, calls itself “The home of shiny happy ladies.” But there’s nothing remotely shiny or happy about its latest piece of garbage:

Whether you’re under 18 or over 40, author Erin Gloria Ryan helpfully lists the pros (yes, shiny happy ladies think there are pros) and cons of having an abortion at a particular age.

Here are the perks of being under 18:

Pro: Well, duh. This one’s a no-brainer — teenagers aren’t, as an almost universal rule, equipped to be mothers. And pop culture abounds with living, breathing DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE A TEENAGER warnings — Teen Mom, Bristol Palin, Justin Bieber’s weird mom who went out on a date with Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor (not to be confused with Chris Hansen, host of To Catch a Predator). When it comes to giving birth as a teen, it’s not a question of IF you’ll experience massive hardship as a result of bringing a child into the world before you’re old enough to legally buy lottery tickets; it’s a matter of how much of a lasting lifefuck will result.

And between 24 and 27:

Pro: Young enough that you can still get pregnant from making extended eye contact with a guy with a beard, old enough that you’ve probably got a job that pays enough that you no longer must shop at Forever 21.

And between 27 and 30:

Pro: If you haven’t acquired an expensive coke habit by now, congratulations! This is the richest you’ve ever been on your own! If you saved up a little, you could probably afford a designer abortion. A Marc Jacobs abortion, in teal.

Marc Jacobs abortion! In teal! Isn’t that hilarious? While Ryan is wiping away self-congratulatory tears of laughter:

Those with morals are weeping:




Chelsea Handler laughs about her abortion with Conan O’Brien; Update: Jezebel declares Twitchy ‘humorless and lame’

‘Tis the season for depravity: Pro-abortionists again offer sick ‘abornaments,’ PP sends out chocolate birth control