President Obama came down from his ivory tower today to address the looming fiscal cliff and reassure the American public that no matter what happens, he’s only looking out for us. He prefaced his speech like so:

Despite that flitting moment of self-awareness, he kept talking, flanked by a human rainbow:

Isn’t that special? Regardless of the color of your skin, you can rest assured that Daddy Obama will take care of you:

Oh, and also? He won. Spike that football, baby!

His cheering audience stopped just short of hoisting him on their shoulders and parading him around the room:

Twitterers were quick to notice that for a guy who claims to take our welfare very seriously, he doesn’t seem to be all that serious:

Key to Shecky Obama’s standup routine? Blaming Republicans, natch:

Thank goodness we have a practical, post-partisan president!

Just a shame that after all that, we’re no clearer on our fate. Aside from blaming and mocking the GOP, President Obama really didn’t offer any insight as to where negotiations stand:

Other than to reiterate his desire to compromise by forcing dissenters to bow to his will:

Sure is a neat trick, huh?

That makes 300 million of us.

Happy New Year, America.