Well, well, well … our president really feels our pain and understands all those dreams we have that may go unfulfilled. Don’t despair, America! All may not be lost. You can still try to win a seat at this Very Special Dinner. We hear that George Clooney himself will be manning the carving station (hope you like beagle!), after he makes his entrance on a two-headed unicorn.

You know, it’s a damn shame that Barack Obama is Barack Obama, because he’ll never get the chance to meet himself. He’ll never be able to cross that item off his bucket list.