As both a journalist and self-described “progressive reformist,” David Atkins has got his finger on the pulse of the modern conservative movement. No, really! He’s got conservatives’ gameplan all figured out, and yesterday, he graciously decided to share his wealth of knowledge with his legions of Twitter followers. We suggest grabbing a pen and paper, as you’ll no doubt want to take notes:

If you’re the parent of young kids right now, be aware that your offspring will be recruited by conservatives to the New Hitler Youth in just a few years.

You know you can take what David says very seriously, because he is a very serious person.

How did David manage to get his hands on conservatives’ Top Sekrit Plans?

Dear God, David. It’s worse than we ever could’ve imagined.

Can they be stopped? What do you need us to do?

Well, there you have it. It’s all out in the open now. Nice try, conservatives! You thought you could just fly under the radar, but you weren’t counting on Detective David Atkins to expose your sinister secrets!

Who does this clown think he is? And why would anyone listen to what he has to say, when he’s clearly just been binge-watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” and wants to show off what he’s learned?

Much like David Atkins himself, the Groypers are morons who are destined to lose because they’re morons who are also losers. Suggesting that the Groypers are representative of conservatism is intellectually dishonest and David Atkins knows it.

For what it’s worth, though, it’s probably safe to assume that all the conservatives responding to David are either rolling their eyes or just straight-up laughing at him.

Recommended Twitchy Video